James Turns 40 Live: A JamesPod Throwback to 2006

Sneeze! with James Whittingham

In 2006 I was podcasting live on the moment I said goodbye to my thirties and turned 40. This is my most requested episode all these years later. Due to music rights, only part of the episode can be presented.

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Even more James links: https://linktr.ee/whittingham

My other podcast: The Clean Energy Show

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Transcript of this episode:

So we have some stuff for you tonight.

We have a voicemail and some email.

And by we, I mean me.

What's left? To me, 40 year old James is pretty much like a 90 year old.

Anyone else? It's getting more difficult for me to sit up and talking to this microphone.

But doing my best.

It's going to be an interesting eleven minutes before I turn 40.

It's a sad situation.

We'll be right back.

Thanks for calling Dell.

What can we build for you? Well, my family needs a new computer.

Great.

Let's get started.

What do you think you'll be using it for the most? Well, my kids are really into games and I do a little video editing.

Really? A little video editing? No, not really.

Not yet anyway.

I actually just watch a lot of porn.

Well, I'd set you up with a high performance graphics card and you might want a faster processor.

Yeah, that's probably a good idea.

And to feel like you're right there in the middle of it, pounding her love box.

How about a high end, eleven channel surround sound speaker system? Yeah, now you're talking.

And do you find that your willy just isn't as hard as it used to be? Because you've seen pretty much everything there is to see on the Internet.

Yeah, exactly.

Well, then I'd suggest the Compu Suck 3000 USB with stainless steel conductive, nipple clamps.

A reusable fiber skin sleeve.

Okay, okay.

I'll tell you what.

I'll even throw in a box of Kleenex.

You guys are awesome.

Now, let's talk about Anatle stimulator.

Well, I was thinking about the 20 inch, but wait, let's step it up to a 25 rift.

You got it.

Great.

We'll ship that out to you right away in a plain cardboard box.

Just a second.

Can I get a hard drive upgrade, too? Sir, this seems really inappropriate.

I'm going to hang up now.

Goodbye, Adele.

We don't build a computer for anyone.

We build it for perfect like you.

Well, I thought I'd check out some celebrity birthdays on my birthday.

Here.

September 23.

You know, there's a lot of famous people with birthdays.

On my birthday.

I used to say to remember a few of them.

One spruce Springsteen.

And people say, no, he isn't.

This is not when I was a kid, this is when I was an adult.

They say you don't share a birthday with Bruce Springsteen.

Mine is in school, in elementary school.

Occasionally it will come up that I was born and people would ask me when I was born, I said I was born in Ontario.

They wouldn't believe that.

In Regina.

It's like, you don't look like you're born in Ontario.

You're not cool.

Let me tell you something.

I am cool.

All right? My printer is not working.

I repeat, my printer is not working.

If you have a million dollars in the bank and you want to send me a new laser printer that'd be great because I can barely read this.

Mickey Rooney, September 23.

John Coltrane, September 2326.

By the way, I have a beard and as itchy as hell, and it's 11:52 P.m.

And there's only eight minutes left while I'm in my 30s, so I'm going to continue eating.

Ray, Charles.

Born September 23, 1930.

September 2349.

Bruce, you are significantly older than I am.

Isn't that interesting? Jason Alexander from Seinfeld.

Born September 23, 1959.

Conrad Dojax says happy birthday.

Happy birthday, Conrad.

Thank you.

I have a live skype thing that says happy birthday from Conrad.

I have not talked to Conrad in a long time.

You may remember him from the Global Vibrant show.

I think his co host, which everyone thought was hot, both her voice and her picture.

I think they were an item in some way or another.

If it was only an emotional relationship, I don't know.

But they have separated, and Conrad has been really depressed since then.

You can just tell by his ICQ things.

He's trying to convey it.

And it's not his ICQ, his Skype profiles.

He's talking about how depressed he is and wanting to move and get jobs.

Conrad, if you're listening, it's okay, man.

That heart will heal one day if you don't die from some sort of hideous accident in the Netherlands.

Jason Alexander.

Okay, who do we have? Lisa Ray.

Interesting.

September 23, 1966.

We have some more information on Lisa Ray.

Who the hell is Lisa Ray? Who has voted the Sexiest woman? 2001 by Black Man magazine.

I didn't know there was a black man magazine.

It's interesting that they have a magazine.

Annie DeFranco.

Jan likes Annie DeFranco.

I am indifferent.

When was Annie born? Annie was born September 23, 1970.

I was just about in kindergarten then.

Can't read this.

God, it's hard to read looking through the list.

Not famous.

Not alyssa Sutherland, 23rd, 1982.

I wonder if it's any relation to Donald and the rest of the gang.

That's all we got.

And who else was born, according to a Wikipedia? Augusta Caesar.

Maybe you've heard of them.

Okay, if I have more organized.

Okay.

Augusta.

Augusta Caesar, september 2363 BC.

He died after Christ.

August 19 ad.

Can you believe having a lifespan that went before BC.

To after Ad.

Isn't that fascinating? He ruled for more than 40 years.

Ladies and gentlemen, I have yet to rule a single year.

Let's look back at my life.

Some major milestones in my life.

I've put together a dateline.

James.

Dateline, James.

September 23, 1966.

In the border town of Fort Francis, Ontario.

Dreams is born one month premature to a 42 year old nurse and a 47 year old department store general manager.

Dateline december 14, 1971.

James attends kindergarten in the prairie city of Vagina, Saskatchewan, and has awarded the role of the wolf in our puppet show Little Red Riding Hood.

Deadline october 7, 72.

James has his first crush on a girl, a fixing named Jody, did his homework for him over launch hour, only to see James beaten with a yardstick later in the day when Mrs.

Bikel discovered the young lady's penmanship was much neater than James's or Jaime as he was called back then.

Dateline june 19, 1974 james learns he's going to have to repeat the second grade along with Debbie Longleggs, Coburn, Robin Hazel, and many others.

Dateline february 7, 1979 james brother takes him to Regina's first and last disco, only to have James classmates not believe the story the next day.

Dateline august 16, 1980 while going to sleep, James fondles himself for the first time but discovers it feels good.

Moments later he ran screaming to the bathroom like he was bleeding from a very private area.

Dateline june 15, 1981 tensions at the Whittingham poem explode.

James becomes a homeless team for the rest of the summer.

Date line june 28, 1985 james is pulled out of the lineup entering his high school graduation and informed by Mrs.

Robalard that Jay failed him in his grade twelve English class and he would not graduate from high school.

Dateline may 7, 1992 after six long but happy years, James, a high school dropout, graduates from university with a 75 average after getting kicked out twice for poor academic performance.

Dateline june 17, 1993 college buddy Jack Yoga Wish asked James and his friend Kevin to appear at a local cable show for payment and free food.

Dates line may 25 dan Reddick and phones James at work to inform him that he has recommended he and Kevin to the head of the Montreal Just for Last Festival for the job of hosting the 1990 season of the TV show on CBC.

Dateline december 16, 1998 james puts all of his possessions on the streets in front of his brooch and festival bachelor apartment and boards a plane back to Regina to start again.

Dateline february 14, 2006 james starts a comedy podcast, much to the delight of dozens of listeners, where he would later turn 40 live on the air.

James, you fucking loser.

This has been your life.

Oh yes, the birth of your child and blah, blah, blah.

Well, this is it.

I'm 30.

I'm in my thirty s, I say.

I'm going to break down and cry.

Raiding the clock.

I'm 40.

Oh God, my heart just sank.

Pray for me.

Seems like yesterday I was 30.

I swear to God.

I swear to God, it seemed like yesterday I was 30 years old.

okay? Not for the fucking I'm 40 years old.

I won't be fucking anymore, that's for sure.

Coming up on the show, your letters.

Some voicemails review of a new breakfast cereal that I tried this morning.

I tell you, life is getting difficult.

Last weekend, as you know, I was sick.

A lot of people listened to that and somehow enjoyed hearing about my diarrhea.

And if you haven't listened to that show yet and you don't like stories about diarrhea, don't listen to the show.

I just discarded there.

I'm not sure why.

I apologize for this audience.

I apologize for all the audio imperfections, but I am doing the show live tonight.

Well, I have to live and die with what I do.

So here we are.

Rolling Stones also released this song 40 years ago.

What are you going to do? Sue me, Mick.

Fucking sue me.

They're coming to Regina, actually coming to Regina.

It says magical, magical weekend in October, 2 shows.

In between those shows, Monica's wedding.

Monica is a friend of mine.

Sorry.

My cat is meowing to get in and he's going to wake up.

She's going to wake up.

Beaten across the hall.

Yeah, you're a nice kitty.

Oh, you came to wish me happy birthday.

Thank you.

That's my cat.

My cat is like a podcast listener attentive Perry.

Always there with a tail.

What was I talking about? Life getting difficult.

I was sick last week, and before that I went to the hospital.

We went to see the pediatrician.

Yes, it's my birthday.

We went to see the pediatrician, which was in a hospital, different hospital than where Aiden stayed at.

And I had to go pee.

We were realizing that our son was going to have to go to the hospital for the first time was kind of traumatic.

But there was no one around.

The wing all closed.

It was like 05:00 and everyone had gone home.

So I stopped at the bathroom, which was just down the hall from the pediatricians office.

And for some reason, I had a trouble with my fly.

I was at the urinal and Jan was standing outside.

And I decided for the first time and only time in my life, and I can't explain why, but I dropped my pants, exposing my sweet, sweet ass, and I just peed away.

And I thought, no one's going to come in.

Sure enough, someone came in.

And yeah, I struggled to turn off the faucet and get the pants up.

I get outside and Jan tells me a woman went in.

A woman stormed into the male bathroom.

Of all times, this had to happen to me.

I don't know why this had to happen to me, but it happened to me.

All right.

It was a woman who stormed, and Jane actually tried to stop her, but she couldn't.

Yes, it's my birthday.

You know what that is in cat years? Jesus.

I know I'd be dead by now if I was a cat.

Fuck.

My skeleton would have turned to dust already.

You're going to die too, one day.

And I hope that day doesn't come soon.

The way the cats are in this neighborhood, you never know.

So a strange woman saw my ass.

Was there no Godly reason for me to expose it in the first place, but here we are.

Twelve, four minutes into my 40s.

My friend Jack turned 42 and a half years ago, pretty much.

He's already a quarter way through the he hasn't even blinked once in that time.

I mean, the time is going to go faster and faster and faster.

And even if I live to be old, death is around the corner.

I won't live to be old.

Voicemail, voicemail.

It's time to listen to some voicemail.

Voicemail, voicemail.

James, you filled my voicemail box right up.

James.

Got to be here.

Try and Skype on my wireless kind of sometimes high speed network.

It's rainy and I still don't have my Igayne antennas.

I ordered them from Tiger Direct and Ups has left them in Winnipeg for no apparently good reason right now.

So hopefully I'll have high speed antennas this week, and my Internet will be connected at more than 44% and two little bars of strength.

So you take care, have a great one and talk to you later.

Bye bye.

Thanks for the voicemail Scott sent to me on Skype, recorded by the free, rare program Pamela, and discovered by me today, which I was so happy to get a voicemail.

Voicemail.

Me, I love voicemails.

Makes me have variety on the show.

The story about what Scott is talking about will only appeal to geeks, but mostly geeks listen to podcasts.

Let me tell you this.

I'm going to have an interview with Scott next week, come hell or high water and pictures on my site, because this man has gone to great lengths to get high speed Internet.

He lives out in the valley on a farm by himself, and he can't get high speed internet because it is not acceptable.

Well, he put a little tower on top of the valley wall by his house, and it's a high valley wall.

He snowboards down this, and it's not a ten second run.

The man is like, so take that, Isabelle, you bastards out there who thinks Saskatchewan is a boring place.

This man that I know snowboards in his backyard and it's a long and dangerous track.

And one day he will die and be stuck to a tree somewhere and no one will know for a few days.

But we'll have that story next week.

The great lengths that a man, a desperate man for porn, will go through to get high speed Internet.

And it sounds great, Scott, thank you very much.

James has mail.

Sack his mail.

Sack his bag of mail.

He's got this bag, this big old bag of mail.

I am extremely happy tonight on my 40th birthday, on this day, the day of my 40th birthday, to present you letters.

I actually have some people writing me now, and I'm just happy about this one.

Just came in, actually, just before I started recording.

Happy big 40, Mr.

JW.

Sorry I can't be there to celebrate this landmark.

Have a super birthday for a super dude or something like that.

Happy 40th Cory and Christie of Toronto, Ontario.

Corey and Christie do not sound like I read it, but it just goes to show what text can be like in an email if you read it wrong.

Eric Estrada 1979 birthday.

How about that? What's this? This is from Dave Broadback at Brooklyn's area.

Thank you.

Dave clearly talking about this mystery jacket from last week's show.

By the way, my brother is obsessed with finding out if I'm wearing this jacket or not.

Clearly it was originally your jacket.

And this is Olivia, says Dave Broadback.

And to describe your comedy, I would say I ask people to describe my comedy.

By the way found comedy or comedy in nature.

Psych professors just fucking nuts.

He also thinks I had the Norwalk virus.

This one is from Dixon.

James, this is from Scarborough dude, how are you? Hey James.

Just listen to your sickest I mean latest show and actually enjoyed it.

I always hear Dave of brokers area raving about your show, seeing the man's nuts.

The man is totally fucking nuts.

He's going around raving about my podcast and following your excellent updates of the podcasters without Borders.

It was the podcasters across Borders.

You were at the conference, weren't you Scarborough Jude? So you can count on me as a regular listener.

Thank you Scarborough Jude, and thank you to all the people who wrote me over the summer to thank me and congratulate me on my podcasters Across Borders coverage.

Bob Glac wrote today and asked me to come next year.

I couldn't pay $5 for my lips and account this month.

How am I going to pay to go to Kingston? I couldn't hooker my way across the country and get there.

I can't.

There's just not a chance and freaking hell of me making it because my life is just not going to pull in any money between now and then.

I want to go, but maybe my place in the world is the place on the outside to cover podcasters cross borders again.

I don't know.

He goes on to say that he included a two minute clip of my explosive bowel movements on a show.

You can find him at dixandjames that's Dicks and the letter Njanes blogspot.com.

You can find it, of course, on Canadepodcast SACA the great directory of podcasts in Canada.

Happy birthday is the subject line of this email from Bob McGuire.

This is a lengthy email I got today.

So let's read the whole thing, shall we? God man a man.

Just read a whole page.

You don't see that a lot these days.

Hope you're having a great birthday.

Thank you, Bob.

I've been listening to your show since you went public.

I'm not sure what that means.

Earlier this year, I guess.

Maybe he thinks I'm podcasting all the time and just not making the tapes available to the public.

Actually, I've been a long time fan back to your days at cable regina with kevin ice.

I stumbled upon james pod.

I guess I should get used to calling it reginaradio.

No, you shouldn't, because it is jamespod.

It just happens to be on reginaradio.com.

Not planning to change the name of the show just yet while browsing alphabetically through itunes, of all things.

Well, it's a good way to find me.

And I've always wanted to tell you that I think you're hilarious.

Seriously, I think you could read the phone book and have me in stitches.

Well, I have a phone book here, bob.

I'm not going to read it just yet, but if I want to kill time, I'm going to open it up and prove to you that I'm not as funny as you think.

What else does he go on to say? He has a theory here.

He says, oddly, we have the same mutual friends.

Monica, corey bryant.

Two people I just mentioned monica with the wedding.

Corey just wrote me.

Monica sent me a huge birthday present today and she went to great lengths to do it.

She sent it to an old obsolete PayPal account and we had to spend the day getting that straightened out.

I do not deserve a present.

I don't deserve it.

I do not deserve it, especially for monica.

I just do not deserve anything.

And I feel bad.

I'm not going to sleep tonight.

I told her that.

I feel riddled with guilt.

It's a huge presence she sent me.

It's her wedding coming up.

I probably won't be able to buy her a card, for christ's sake, to write it on a toilet paper.

I used to work at a software company that produced pond software for the city of virginia, so I have a pretty good idea of what the pawn shop you're talking about, because my brother is nailing some pawn shop lady now.

And this guy in the letter says she was referred to as the russian mafia lady, which I can understand because she is from russia and she is a nasty person with a gun.

My brother's going to end up dead.

And I don't know where this coat came from, but I presume from a dead body.

So thank you for that great letter.

That concludes the letters for this week.

I think we have something here from wayne sally, who also tried to describe my show, my sense of humor.

He says jocular episurusium.

Okay, I can't even read the word because it's not clear on the page.

Let's look up on webster's.

E-P-I-C-U-R-E-A-N.

You better not be making this word up, wayne.

I know wayne, by the way, wayne goes way back.

Wayne's a regina resident.

He was living in the slums.

Were slums in here, hoping to move into the slum.

It is a word.

Can you believe that? Epicurean.

Epicurean.

Jocular.

Epicurean.

Epicurean.

That's how you would describe me? Okay, capitalized of or relating to fuck.

I hit this epicure.

My vocabulary is very small, but I make up with it with an enormous penis.

Okay.

Archaic.

One devoted to sensual pleasure.

One was sensitive and discriminating taste, especially in food or wine.

You're a lot of fucking help, Wayne.

There's nothing for me.

Nothing.

Okay.

There goes the show notes.

We'll be right back.

Thanks for calling, Dale.

What do we build for you? Well, the family needs a new computer.

What do you think you'll be using it for the most? Well, we're just actually going to use it as a calculator.

Well, I'd set you up with a high performance graphics card, and maybe you want to upgrade to a faster processor.

You really need all that for a calculator? Couldn't we just get the basic model? Well, calculators can be very demanding, sir.

You might also want some extra Ram as well.

Maybe four or 5GB.

Just a calculator.

That's about it.

Nothing fancy, just a dual core processor.

And maybe a spiffy case, because calculators yeah, sorry.

You can't understand.

I know calculators seem simple, but in the computer it's very complex.

Yes, we might want to upgrade the whole goddamn machine.

Okay, that's right.

Well, thanks, I guess.

Well, thank you.

We'll ship that out right away.

Two logarithms.

Bye bye.

At Dell, we don't build a computer for anyone.

We build it for morons like you.

Earlier today, at 09:00 this morning, I tried a new cereal.

Let's review it.

All right.

It's 09:00 A.m., and I'm about to try a new cereal.

It's Kellogg's All brand honey nut flavor comes in a 430 grand box, which is small, cost about $4.17.

Down at the Superstore.

Now, I was moved by an advertisement on TV about this.

I don't know how to tell you this other than to say I'm buying this because of a television ad.

I didn't like the television ad, but for some reason the message got through.

And also, I used to eat all Brand when I was on a diet a long time ago.

Lost a lot of weight.

And I used to supplement it with Slim Fast in the morning for fiber.

Basically all brand in a multivitamin equal Slim Fast in a shake So sometimes I got sick of the Slim Fast.

I got this, and it tasted horrible.

But when you're on a diet, it tasted pretty decent if you spread a little bit of sugar on it because you're so used to eating well and you're not accustomed to fat and sugar and everything like I am now.

In fact, I soiled my palate this morning by eating a couple of animal crackers.

So it's going to make it difficult for me to enjoy this.

But let's open the box here.

I just bought this last night.

It's a gold, predominantly gold box.

Flavorful Aroma has escaped package.

As I opened it, I don't know how much I should put in here.

It's got clusters.

I'm just going to eat the cluster.

A very high source of fiber.

Honey, nut flavor.

Why can't they put nuts in these things? I know some people are allergic to nuts.

I don't like the flavor of nuts.

Why can't you put a fucking nut in? How much are nuts? Nuts are cheap.

Peanuts are pouring the milk on 1% four liter container.

It's about 30% full.

I've now saturated the cereal with milk, letting it soak in.

Of course, it doesn't get soggy that quickly.

Disappointed? I saw it in my palate.

I destroyed it.

I couldn't cleanse it properly in time for this review.

Okay, taking a spoon.

I've got some clusters which are kind of a light beige in color, and the normal flakes look the same.

I don't know if they're coated in honey or what.

Let's just go for this here.

I don't know what to think.

It's neither foul nor good.

It still tastes like all brand.

There's not enough other flavors in there to take away from the all brand.

It's not like crunching Corn flakes.

I guess it's edible because it's sweet, but I'm a little bit dissipated in the flavor.

A lot of them to come up with a new flavor other than, like, horse food.

Well, I'm James Woody Hammond.

James.

and I like it.

That's it.

That's all for this week's show.

Thank you for listening.

Monday, as I release new shows every Monday, Reginaradio.com is the place to find me.

[e-mail] is the email address.

I'd like to hear from you.

James Pod is the name on Skype.

Thanks for listening.

Because I turned 40 during this broadcast.

I am, when I press the stop button on the recorder, a 40 year old male, balding, fat, hairy.

Hairy in places he shouldn't be.

Not enough hair in others.

Why is her hair in my ears? What the fuck purpose does it have for nature to put a hair on my earlobe that's like three inches long? I don't know.

There's a lot of things that I don't understand.

But from here on, ladies and gentlemen, I'm going down the tube.

You might be asking, where is Podvale? With Kevin Allen ice.

Well, that's going to be coming soon.

And yes, I will continue doing James Pod because Kevin's schedule is irregular, as is his bell movements.

So we will be doing a podcast together.

I'm looking forward to that.

And I apologize that it's taking so long.

Kevin is extremely busy studying to be an accountant as he is almost 42.

So we'll see you soon.

Thanks for listening.

And get out of here.

Announcer: This has been another edition of Jamespod.

Thank you for listening.