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Where could your efforts fail?Those are the failpoints. They can trip you up and make you think nothing will work in your efforts.But let me be clear. They are potential failpoints. They are not inevitable.Failpoints, in engineering, is caused by stress on a particular point. In machines, a particular piece is stressed long enough that it finally g…
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When I started this podcast over 10 years ago, I wondered how far we would go. Well, here we are on episode 500, with over 5.25 million downloads to far. And at the same time, I celebrate 58 years on earth. A couple of milestones I wanted to mark, for sure!Which raises the question from a listener, on what I have learned in life. I’ll share 5 big t…
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Let's just say that the bumper sticker, "I used to be cool," has nothing to do with me. I was not cool. I was more the nerdy kid. And to be honest, I'm not sure I have really outgrown that.In my teen years, I was a magician. My friends were magicians, jugglers, clowns, ventriloquists, and carneys. I even started a magic club at my high school. And …
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Sometimes, just a hint or trick will do it. Maybe you want a trick or hint for an online game. Or even a trick for a better pancake. A hint for a better pushup.But hints and tricks won’t work for saving a marriage.Which is what I try to explain when I get the daily emails and voicemails, just asking for a hint or trick. Nothing wrong with asking. B…
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Your marriage is in trouble, and you know you need help. But what type of help? And how do you know if it is the right help for your marriage? Tough question. And I can't answer it.But I can help you get the answer.I created a guide to help you find the best help, whether it is therapy, coaching, a retreat or workshop, or an online course. I tell y…
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I know. I say it all the time. Connection is crucial -- even critical -- for the health and survival of your marriage.But what if there is a trap... a Connection Trap?Guess what?There IS!On this week's podcast, I answer "D's" question about their stuck place. She names what she thinks are the 3 C's that must be there for a strong marriage. She name…
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The Pause Button. You didn't know you hit it. But you probably did."We'll get back to each other after the kids/ promotion/ travels/ hobbies/ events/ friends... (well, you get the idea)."AFTER life, we will get back to love.There is only one problem. Relationships are either growing or receding, strengthening or weakening.There IS no pause.When you…
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Saving your marriage is important. But not always easy. Isn't that a truth in life, though? What is easy is rarely important. And what is important is worth the effort.There are some things that can make your process of saving your marriage a bit more complicated though.Not impossible.Just more complicated.While there are others, I cover seven diff…
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Many people are struggling with depression. And they find themselves in the midst of a marriage crisis. So, what does depression mean for those situations? How does depression affects a marriage. Does depression cause a crisis? Or do people get depressed because of the crisis? Or... and this is more central to the question... how do you deal with d…
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Do you settle down with a good book you have read over and over this time of year? I read my kids the exact same Christmas book every single year. And many years, I re-read a classic for myself… like A Christmas Carol. This year, I offer you a redux of a prior podcast episode… about the Ghosts of Your Relationship Past. Yep. Christmas, with new opp…
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Several podcast listeners have asked why a spouse only remembers the negative, or only dwells on the negative. Why don't they remember the good times or see the good things? Why does it feel like they only see the negative?Over the years, I have noticed this as a recurring and common issue in your efforts to save your marriage. A spouse's thoughts …
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"A" has been trying to set boundaries with her husband. Trying to get the treatment she deserves. Trying to get the relationship to a healthy spot.But then, her spouse throws a little shade her way... rolling eyes, using a demeaning tone. What should she do to set a boundary on that?, she asksIn this case, A has a good hold on what to do when, say,…
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Surely you can convince your spouse to work on your marriage… right? Yes, your marriage is in crisis. But if you say the right thing… or say it in the right way… or convince, beg, cajole, argue, and somehow shift their thinking, then you can save your marriage. Right?Not so fast.Usually, all of the above leads to more resistance. Not less. It does …
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When life is hard, Holidays can feel heavy. When there is a marriage crisis, it can be tough to muster the energy to even move forward — especially when all the commercials and movies push the “merry and bright” of a mythic holiday.And here we are, on the cusp of the Holiday season! It cuts across nations and beliefs. The season is here.A client re…
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Sounds so philosophical, doesn't it? Your "created past." What is that?We all do it. We remember things based on our emotional state, not on what happened. When someone hurts us, we think back on the other times they hurt us. When someone is kind and loving, we think back on the other loving times.When a couple is connected, they remember connectio…
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Phil asked, "How do you know you are making progress?" And perhaps fearing that the signs point the other way, he also asked, "how long is long enough to be trying before it is unhealthy for me."Those are two great, if somewhat polarized, questions. They point to fears of not being able to save a relationship. What to look for? And what to do if th…
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You want to save your marriage (or you wouldn't be here, right??). But you may not know what to do. Most people don't.I mean, let's face it: most people don't do a lot to prepare to be married. Maybe a little pre-marital counseling. Perhaps a weekend event. Or maybe you read a book. But that doesn't really cut it, does it? Most people find that out…
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We all have limiting beliefs. You... me... and your spouse! I always work to change my limiting beliefs. You are probably doing the same. But you can't just change your spouse's limiting beliefs!What is a limiting belief? It is a mostly-FALSE belief. But more than that, it is one that keeps you stuck... unable to see bigger possibilities. Potential…
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Just to be clear, people don't simply end up divorced. They don't go from a loving, connected marriage to a painful, hurting divorce. There are some stops along the way.As people progress along the path to divorce, they have some options along the way, to either take the off-ramp or jump back on the road. And the further along the road they go, the…
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The shift from connection to disconnection happens when people (inadvertently) hit the Pause Button on their marriage. It isn't ill-intended. It usually just happens in the busyness of life. Still, relationships, in general (and marriages, in particular), do not do well being paused. Because they don't "pause." They atrophy and recede. (SEE MY PODC…
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Many people tell me how they WANT to save their marriage (they really, really do), but they aren't DOING it. They can't seem to get started with their efforts. Yes, they know the clock is ticking. Yes, they know it is important. But getting started... doesn't happenIF someone WANTS to save their marriage, then WHY CAN’T THEY GET STARTED?There are s…
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We all "show ourselves" in our interactions with others. Sometimes, we truly Show Up, bringing our best self to the relationship.Other times, we bring an angry/resentful presence to the table. Other times, it might be a cold/distant presence. And still other times, it might be a needy/desperate presence.As you may have guessed, an angry or distant …
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Has your spouse lost hope in your marriage's future?You want a warm and loving relationship, but it has had a rough patch. You see a way forward, but your spouse can't see it. If that is the case, then you need a way forward. The first stop is dealing with the hopelessness.How important is it?Incredibly important! Humans do not do well with feeling…
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It is not about "communication," no matter what you hear (from friends or a therapist). Most people communicate just fine. They have another issue: perception. How they perceive each other, that is the bigger issue.And then the trap is laid.Perception and connection. They create a downward spiral (unless you escape it) that traps you into a fall in…
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We all have hurts from close relationships -- and especially in marriages. It is impossible to be in such an intimate relationship and not bump into each other (in hurtful ways) over and over. The problem is when the hurts don't heal.Bumps, they happen. Continued pain and hurt from the bumps, that doesn't have to happen.Yet, many times, I watch cou…
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Do you ever feel like you are dancing with your spouse... and not a fun dance??Most of the time, couples get into habits. They both know the steps, and they just keep going through them, 1-2-3, 1-2-3, 1-2-3....No, the dances aren't particularly helpful. And yes, we keep dancing them, anyway!One dance that many couples fall into is the Anger-Blame-S…
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When a marriage crisis hits, people kick into gear! They dig in and work on their relationship. Many times, they start to see results. Things are turning for the better. The relationship is warming. Things aren't quite so hostile.But then....They get derailed. Thrown off-course. Lost in the crisis.Not surprisingly, any gains made are quickly lost. …
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I just googled, “how to save your marriage.” There were 607,000,000. Over 1/2 a billion results! How do you sort through them? How do you find a real approach, from someone who knows what they are doing?It’s like looking for a needle in a haystack.And the problem is, some approaches do more harm than good. And many times, you don’t even know who it…
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Things hit a bad spot in your marriage… and your spouse isn’t sure about staying or leaving the marriage. Sure, it may have been a relationship issue, but you may be feeling blamed.It’s pretty common to go looking for the “bad guy” in any situation. And even if both of you are in pain and frustrated, you may be wanting to stay. While you may be abl…
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“I’m just out of energy,” she told me, “I don’t think I can even try to save my marriage. Besides, what is the point?"Let’s face it: right now, many people are feeling exhausted and drained. And working to save a marriage can be tiring when the world is rightside-up. Much less when everything feels upside down!Many people feel pulled in so many que…
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So many marital crises start with this phrase, "I'm not happy." In panic mode, a spouse reacts and things get worse.The next step is often, "I need space." But that is even scarier! And in panic mode, a spouse reacts and things get worse.Maybe an in-house separation. Maybe a full separation. Emotional separation becomes physical separation.All from…
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Roles. We all have them. We all play them.Some are "identity roles." They identify us in the role. For example, I am "son," "father," "brother," "husband."Some are "function roles." They identify what we do. For example, I am "coach," "therapist," "author," "speaker," and "podcaster" (among others). They tell you what I do, what role I play in life…
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Every marriage crisis starts as a crisis of an individual. As it expands into the marriage, the question is whether you, the spouse, will get pulled under by the crisis.Have you ever tried to save a drowning person?This can be kind of like that. Get too close, and they will drag you under with them. Their desperation will overcome any sensible deci…
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You've decided to save your marriage. You start the process, maybe even make some progress.Then, BAM! You hit a wall.A wall of fear. Fears that sabotage your efforts, pull you back from your plan, get you to give up.But those fears do not have to be the end of your efforts. In fact, those fears need not do anything to your efforts. Fears and action…
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Since Valentine's Day is passed and the hearts have come down in the stores (except in the clearance area), we can face a reality that confuses many people.“Our marriage is broken,” she told me. “We don’t have the passion anymore, so I don’t think we should stay married.”Missing passion… is it the end of marriage, or something else?Most relationshi…
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Recently, more and more people have been asking about "Marriage Intensives." If you aren't familiar, these are often week-end (and sometimes week-long) events with lots and lots of (usually therapy) sessions. The theory is that an intensive treatment is needed to save a marriage.Often (but not always), they are run by therapists. Either they come t…
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There are lots of myths about marriage. But there is one myth that comes up over and over. In fact, the trap for this myth is set at the very early stages of every relationship.The question is whether you step into the trap or not. Will the myth trip you up and start the deterioration of your marriage? Or a better question: has it already damaged y…
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It’s a partnership. Right?Right?Well, in any partnership, there has to be a way to make decisions. And how a couple makes decisions reveals how they balance power (or don’t balance it). Not every couple will balance it in the same way. But trouble comes when the two people in the couple are not both in agreement and on-board with how power is share…
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You've been working on saving your marriage... and you aren't seeing the traction you want. Or maybe is just isn't moving as fast as you would like.Sometimes, it can take more time than you think or want.But are there times that your efforts are doing more harm than good?Are there times you are hurting, not helping, your relationship and your chanc…
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You’ve been following my 4 C’s to work on the 3 C’s of saving your marriage, right? (Hang with me if that seems like gibberish — just me trying to make it simple. I explain it in this episode/)Maybe you can see some ground you are gaining, progress you are making.Which may lead you to wonder how this all turns around. Will it be all-of-the-sudden, …
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I’ve been answering listeners’ questions on the Save The Marriage Podcast. And in this episode, I pull together a repeating question about “Should we stay together because of this Insert Bad Reason Here?"Several people told me they were still married, just for the sake of the kids. Several told me that their spouse was still there because they coul…
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Many times, I have someone telling me what their spouse should be. How they should act, what they should do… and what they should do, particularly, for the spouse. Rarely are they telling me what a spouse is, but should be.There is an immediate problem (or a few) right there. You see, “should” is based in shame and expectation. And we don’t use it …
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Has the crisis in your marriage passed… but you aren’t sure where things are now?Well, that would put you in good company! I have been asking for listener questions, and noticed this was the theme for quite a few.What’s the theme? The immediate crisis has passed. The separation or divorce is off the table. The affair is over. The spouse has returne…
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You probably know that I'm on the side of your marriage. I'm all about saving a marriage.But does that mean that EVERY marriage will be saved, or even should be saved?No.First, there are times when BOTH people want to leave the marriage. At that point, there is nothing that WILL save the marriage. There has to be energy from AT LEAST one person, in…
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It's a false belief in our culture that we need to "trust our gut" and "follow our emotions." Emotions change. Feelings shift. And we can't even say what our emotions are, much of the time.Sure, you can feel an emotion. But tell me what it is? What it means? Why it is there right now... and might be gone in 5 minutes? Or tomorrow?Let's be clear: a …
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Do you feel like you are stuck in limbo? That crazy spot where you can’t move forward, but aren’t ending things? Is it a spouse who has you stuck there?Well, that was the situation for “J.” He wrote me because his spouse could not decide on whether to stay or go, work on things or walk away.He told me he was stuck in Limbo, didn’t know what to do, …
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Mid Life Crisis… the butt of many jokes. And a crisis for many marriages! I have seen several studies that challenged whether there is such a thing as a mid life crisis. I don’t find many of my therapist or coach friends wondering that. We see it every day.And I see the strain a MLC can place on an already-hurting marriage. If the marriage is disco…
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Are you stuck questioning whether your spouse is the RIGHT spouse, whether your love is REAL, whether there is someone ELSE, or maybe your spouse is being unfaithful?That is often very normal.To a degree.It is entirely normal for people in regular, normal, healthy relationships to have questions that just pop up from time-to-time. That is just what…
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I don’t know about you, but I just don’t do things perfectly. I make mistakes.Okay, I’ll admit it: I DO know about you. You make mistakes, too. And how do I know??We ALL make mistakes! Especially when we are doing things that are tough, important, and stressful. And when we don’t know what we are doing, anyway.And I’m pretty sure that saving your m…
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Hot and cold. That is often what I hear people describe. About their spouses. One minute/hour/day/week, there is warmth and connection… things seem to be improving. And in the next minute/hour/day/week, the cold returns. Distance and dread return. Are things going south? Is this the time when things don’t turn around?And then… the pattern repeats a…
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