In addition to writing a book about Boundaries over the last few months, I've started a Take No Shit Workshop, all about building better boundaries step-by-step. I began the first BETA run on October 17, and we are now officially two weeks in. This morning, I popped in to check on the forums and discussions, and one in particular got my mind workin…

Happy Birthday to Nookie! As many of you know, I took August off of daily content creation. It's my birthday month (today is my birthday), and I wanted to explore some passion projects. This month has been amazing. I won't be going back to daily content creation. I've found that I really love focusing in on a deeper dive into a subject. And I had n…

Nonmonogamy: one plus one is 1, one plus two is 3, and one plus three is 6. Or is it one plus one is 3, one plus two is 6, and one plus three is 10? Depends on how you do your math, really, but in nonmonogamy, it's rarely straightforward, and that is what many people don't consider when they take those first steps. -- Is it one plus one equals 1, o…

Do you reward the minor improvements? Or, do you punish the lack of perfection? I'll admit, I do both. It's hard, sometimes, to recognize that things are getting better when they are frustrating AF, and maybe even something you take personally. Luckily, I'm pretty good at rewarding the minor improvements after 22 years of being an enthusiastic amat…

There is this one conversation I keep having about communication. It's about "brutal" honesty and how shitty it is, and it came up again in my LIVE last Thursday. I can't stress enough that brutal honesty is just an excuse to bully people with truth, and that we all should be aiming for compassionate honesty. But what is compassionate honesty? And …

"i pray you attract lovers romantic and platonic that never aim to manipulate or harm you, that never embarrass you, make you question your sanity, or abandon you when you need someone to hold your hand." —@ichriecheblut, on twitter This inspired me for this Friday's bit of sappery. Find the full transcript for this episode here. https://datingkink…

I've always thought Meatloaf had it backwards. He sang: > "I want you. I need you, but there ain't no way I'm ever going to love you..." And ever since I first heard it, I thought that sounded so...sad. And it's meant be sad, I guess. But it also just sounded wrong. And it took me years to figure it out. > "I want you. I love you, but there ain't n…

Today's writing and my Throwback Thursday podcast and LIVE are on the same topics. I'll go live at 1pm today on YouTube, Facebook, Twitter and mōn, talking about shaping our lives through power exchange and romance and how challenging finding (MAKING) that balance is. -- In the "My Power, Your Power" event we held last year, I was part of a discuss…

A couple of weeks ago, I was on an Authors' panel at TESFest with @DanandDawn. Not only was it fun to connect with people, and to share actual physical space with Dan and Dawn, but I also was inspired into several new ideas and a possible collaboration or three with my co-panelists. And one of the audience asked us a question. One that I want to sh…

Comments like, "This is a polyamory group, not a polyfuckery group," or "Yeah, it sounds like they are just a swinger, not polyamorous at all," abound. The original definition of polyamorous, by the people who coined the phrase in modern times and put it into popular circulation (Oberon Zell and Morning Glory Zell) is: > POLYAMORY: (Greek poly = ma…

I began to realize that while I didn't need another human to make my way through the world, especially one specific other human, the way love stories always suggested, I did want that partner. More, I needed that partner and what they brought to the table to be a better version of me. One that I loved a hell of a lot more than I loved the me before…

A man approached me on a chat app the other day. Very handsome. Fit. Charming. Eventually asked me if I was "into older men." I looked at his pics, and I was confused, so I asked him "how much older?" He said, "Well, I'm 42." 🤣🤣🤣 I mean, I guess that's older than...23 other ages of men (not counting anyone below 18). Sure. But considering I'm about…

Six weeks ago, I wrote that communication is a tool, not a solution. I mentioned that without a few key elements, communication is more likely to harm than to heal. Those are: - Priorities - Openness - Respect - Compassion - Autonomy So far, I've covered priorities and openness. Today, I'm tackling respect. And I've been sort of wrestling with this…

That's a bit of a joke, but only sort of. When people talk about 'all the creepsters,' I generally have a brief moment of confusion. Because my Brin has to process the statement, and my brain often has trouble with absolutes. (It's why I don't do well with "What's your favorite..." questions.) And I don't find that all the people in kink (or dating…

In may of 2017, I wrote: Tit-for-tat is ABSOLUTELY NOT a safe, sane, and consensual relationship I said: We've all done it. You hurt me, so I lash out and hurt you. It's human nature. And it's bullshit. If you really love someone, the LAST thing you want to do is to cause them hurt. THE. LAST. THING. It should hurt you to cause them to feel pain an…

https://datingkinky.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/07/dk_personal_tiny_flower.png This was my first shot of the day. A beautiful little flower, nestled into the leaves. Small and proud. Made my heart smile. https://datingkinky.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/07/dk_personal_tiny_shroom.png This was the largest tiny I found. It was maybe three inches across…

Or maybe you just want a relationship where your partner is there to help push you beyond your limits, expand your comfort zone, and share experiences with you that you would never choose for yourself, but that you would love to have, with the right person... AWESOME! I 100% support your desire. And I'd love to give you some suggestions for getting…

I’m going to say nature, nurture, or both. -- Nature Let’s face it, just like fingerprints, pudendal nerve maps are totally unique. That means that a lot of us will have Y number of nerve endings in our goody bits and surrounding areas, some of us will have Y minus X number, and some of us will have Y plus X number. More nerve endings could potenti…

A couple weeks back, over the course of a weekend, I hosted and participated in an immersive online experience for FLR, FemDom, and Women in Charge enthusiasts. Over several months, I had gathered questions about women-led lifestyles, and used those questions to choose topics and presenters, and to shape my own presentation, a 6-hour workshop: Buil…

Four weeks ago, I wrote that communication is a tool, not a solution. I mentioned that without a few key elements, communication is more likely to harm than to heal. Those are: - Priorities - Openness - Respect - Compassion - Autonomy Two weeks ago, I wrote "What are you trying to get out of this conversation?" about priorities. Today, I'm talking …

BE POSITIVE! IT'LL GET BETTER! YOU'LL GET OVER IT! The messages are everywhere. See the good. Ignore or push away the bad. Move onward and upward! And I'm often one of those voices. My Throwback Thursday podcast on May 19th was to a post from January 2021 that was my argument that you are worthy. You are worthy of love, of friendship, of compassion…

So, for those of you who have been following this podcast for a while, you've heard this one before. And if you've been following me even longer, you'll have laughed at this in 2017. But really, it's no laughing matter. And unfortunately, it comes up regularly. Just like recently, it came up in my Mingler discord for the RDU/Triangle area of Raleig…

How do you communicate best? How do you receive communication best? And does it even matter? I think so. A while back, I decided to research communication styles in the Google. A quick search brought up a lot of articles, but all were about the four basic communication styles: passive, aggressive, passive-aggressive and assertive, or about variatio…

I spent a few hours on the Clubhouse app the other day. I realized I'd installed it over a year back, and just never really took that step. But I tried it out, and now, it's sort of a guilty pleasure. A deep dive into the human psyche, raw and unfiltered. And it's glorious. Sort of a more interesting version (to me, anyway) of Maury Povich and Gera…

In my book *Dating Kinky: Find the kinky partner of your fantasies,* I have a chapter titled, *Statistics And Charts For The Geek In You* in the section *Why Is It So Hard To Find A _____?* And the simple answer is that it's not hard to find a _____. It's hard to find a _____ that you are compatible with. Let's talk a bit about dating and love, bec…

Back in 2015, I was having a tough time with some negative experiences that were resurfacing for me for no obvious reasons at random times. Not often. Maybe once every 10-15 days or so. But they would pop into my head, and seemingly take over my thoughts in a dark and morose way, until I realized what was happening and shook them off. No idea why. …

I did. And I've also laughed. Hard. Not because of Heard and Depp's situation. That's not funny. I've been there, in a mutually abusive relationship and I've felt trapped and I've done things I'm not proud of in retrospect. That's just sad. And a bit horrifying. However, the jockeying of lawyers and experts? That's laughable. And in this video wher…

There are your priorities in this conversation. Right now. What are you trying to get out of this conversation? Because we may want to grow old together, because we love each other very much, but if one of us wants to solve this major problem right now, and the other wants to go to sleep, our communication is likely to fail. If one of us wants to b…

OK. I'mma be clear, here. I think this is sum bullshit, and I don't do it in my relationships, BUT people do for their own reasons, and I'm going to explore this, so you have examples of how "No" can be used that is not actually "No." (Feels very "Depends on what your definition of "is" is, to me, but you do you...) -- NO! Means Yes! In Polish, "No…

A lot of dating advice says something like, "Be realistic in your expectations," and they are right. Not RIGHT, but right. It is true, but it is not THE TRUTH, and it's easy to get confused. -- All of my exes told me that my desires were unrealistic. Well, all of my "serious" relationships did, and many of my casual ones, too. You know what I learn…

Someone on my YouTube channel a couple of weeks ago asked me two questions. Both have been used in conversation with me more than once, and I see them being used to try to trip people up in "debates" over personal lifestyle choices. I'm tackling the first of those two today: > Do you think consent equates to no harm? Obviously not. People say there…

New science is out (always!), and the internet rags are touting it as "myth busting!" (Again.) But is it? Nope. Not at all. So, here's the deal: The articles I've read take the most ridiculous ideas from the internet, set them up as "truths everyone believes," then share 'new' science that 'busts' these ideas down to what is true, and pretty much w…

@Innermind (on FetLife) said on one of my writings: > It's always fascinating when someone writes about how awesome their lover is when they are together and just trash them once the relationship ends. Were they dating two different people? Which inspired me to write about this. I've thought about this quite a bit, and I'd say there is one primary …

I don't do newbies. I also don't NOT do newbies. I was having a conversation with one of my favorite muses, and they said: > I liked TheFerrett's writing on how he doesn't do 'starter poly' Now I'm not sure which of The Ferrett's writings they were talking about, but I remember one from WAY BACK in 2011 that I pulled up, "Ferrett's Hard Limits Of D…

It's a common mistake. To treat communication as a solution, rather than a tool to reach a solution. I've made that mistake quite a lot. And I watch people make that mistake over and over in their own relationships and advice to others. Communication does not fix things. Find the full transcript for this episode here. https://datingkinky.com/blog/c…

In one of the local discords I'm in, someone posted a link to an article on PolyLand about what makes for a polyamorous relationship that thrives. https://poly.land/2022/05/12/gracious-polyamorous-relationship-systems-are-the-ones-that-thrive/ A lot of what this article says, I disagree with. Not in practice, because I really can't disagree with wh…

Today's throwback podcast from July of 2019 is actually inspired by a writing and podcast I have coming up next week about communication being a tool, not a solution. I referenced this original writing while I was putting that one together, and since I'd not yet decided on the article for today's throwback, figured it would fit in well, here. After…

It just means, "no." It's a negative response to a question or offer. "Are you available Tuesday evening?" "No." "Open to a booty call?" "No." "Do you like radishes?" "No." I'm not free Tuesday night because I have a dinner for friends planned. I don't particularly like booty call relationships—yes, I have tried them in the past. And radishes are j…

I'm going to start off with the law and a few corollaries, then we're going to dive down into it. > The male, not the female, determines all the conditions of the animal family. Where the male can derive no benefit [usually sexual coupling] from association with the female, no such association takes place.” This law also implies the following corol…

I’m pretty sure that unless you are the great Zoltar, you’re gonna answer “No” to that. Good! (TL;DR People who expect you to understand what they do not say will also believe they know what you are thinking better than you.) Because the vast majority of humans are not born with the ability to read minds, and absolutely don’t need to take on that r…

Find the transcript for this episode here. https://datingkinky.com/?p=11286 Don’t Believe Everything You Think: https://datingkinky.com/blog/lifestyle-thoughts/dont-believe-everything-you-think/ No One Will Love Me For Who I Am: https://datingkinky.com/blog/general-love-romance/no-one-will-love-me-for-who-i-am/…

Most people see trust as what others do. I don't. At least not most of it. Maybe 1%, maybe 10%, to me, is what people do. The actions they take, their word or their truths. The rest, that 90% or 99%? That's all me (or all you). Trust is trust in yourself. Your ability to handle whatever someone offers you. And when you don't trust, you don't believ…

I recently saw a post on Facebook with a screen capture of the following by variantworks: > "I've seen people argue that BDSM & kink is bad because of aftercare. "You don't NEED aftercare and safe words for vanilla sex because it's not harmful!" > > Uh, hate to tell you but aftercare and safe words do exist for vanilla sex. It's getting your partne…

What makes for a 'safe' friend to talk to? I feel like the answer varies with people. For example, I know most of my friends would be devastated if I lied to them, but when I post online about lies, there are always some people who claim that they preferred to be lied to, to save their feelings. I would not be a 'safe' friend for those people, ever…

Over the years, I've had a lot of feels about the idea of "unconditional." Back in 2015, I wrote: Unconditional Love? So in a comment on yesterday's post, a friend mentioned unconditional love. It caught my attention, and I thought I'd discuss this a bit. Drawing on the post I made a few days back, the definition of love is: love ləv/ noun an inten…

Yesterday, Selene called me exasperated. She went off on a rant about dogs. She said she'd rather deal with an aggressive dog than a fearful dog. Because aggressive dogs, you know exactly what you're getting, and you can work with and around them relatively effectively. But with fearful dogs, they will seem fine until they are not, often seeming to…

Furthermore, I loathe the idea. It repulses me. To me, it is the antithesis of what love is and should be, at least in a romantic relationship between adults. Now, I'm not saying you can't love unconditionally. Not at all. I hope you will always do what works for you. You probably eat radishes, too. Ewww. Gross. I think unconditional love is imposs…

Maybe. I do know many feel they do. And probably with VERY good reason. After all, women and femmes in general in western society (and many others) are given more emotional labor than men. Want to know more about the science? Here is a search for scholarly articles: https://scholar.google.com/scholar?q=women+emotional+labor&hl=en&as_sdt=0&as_vis=1&…

This old thing has been going around online for a while. I saw it again on Facebook today, and read it again, and for some reasons, this time I felt a need to say something. From the article: > "IF WE ASK WHAT IS WRONG AND YOU SAY ‘NOTHING,’ WE WILL ACT LIKE NOTHING’S WRONG. WE KNOW YOU ARE LYING, BUT IT IS JUST NOT WORTH THE HASSLE." I agree. Hold…

When I'm in a bad headspace or there is an ongoing situation that I cannot see my way through, I journal it. It's not pretty. It's not really even clear, because it only refers to what is in my head and it's not meant to be read by anyone. Not even me, although I do, sometimes, go back and read them. It's meant to get words on paper and to allow my…