EU375: Supporting Our Children’s Inner Voices

Exploring Unschooling

In this episode, Pam, Anna, and Erika dive into supporting our children’s inner voices. External messages and cultural roles can disconnect us from our internal wisdom and knowing. Our unschooling lives give us an opportunity to provide time and space for our children to really tune into their inner voices, and showing them that we are curious about their opinions and letting them know that they know best about themselves can lead to increased self awareness and stronger relationships.

We hope you find our conversation helpful on your unschooling journey and in your relationships!

THINGS WE MENTION IN THIS EPISODE

The Living Joyfully Shop – books, courses, including Four Pillars of Unschooling and Navigating Conflict, coaching calls, and more!

We invite you to join us in The Living Joyfully Network, a wonderful online community for parents to connect and engage in candid conversations about living and learning through the lens of unschooling. This month, we’re talking about seasons—in unschooling and in life. Come and be part of the conversation!

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Check out our website, livingjoyfully.ca for more information about navigating relationships and exploring unschooling.

So much of what we talk about on this podcast and in the Living Joyfully Network isn’t actually about unschooling. It’s about life. On The Living Joyfully Podcast, Anna Brown and Pam Laricchia talk about life, relationships, and parenting. You can check out the archive here, or find it in your your favorite podcast player.

EPISODE TRANSCRIPT

ANNA: Hello, I’m Anna Brown from Living Joyfully, and today I’m joined by my co-hosts, Pam Larrichia and Erika Ellis.

Before we get started, I wanted to encourage you to check out the shop where you can find books, courses, coaching, and information about the Living Joyfully Network. The shop has resources and support for every stage of your journey. You can find the link in the show notes, or you can visit livingjoyfullyshop.com.

Today we’re going to be talking about allowing space for our children to cultivate their own inner voice. Erika, would you like to get us started?

ERIKA: I would love to. This is fun because I know that I have mentioned my own children’s inner voices many times on the podcast before, and I think cultivating the space for them to tune into those inner voices is one of the most important things that I can do as a parent.

So when we talk about our inner voice or our children’s inner voices, I think it really relates to the idea that people are different, which is something we’re always mentioning. Our thoughts and our feelings, our bodily sensations and so much more, are unique to us individually. And so, the inner voice is messages from our thoughts, our feelings, and our bodies that tell us what feels good to us, what works well for us, what makes sense for us.

It could be described as our intuition or our gut, like the phrase, listen to your gut or our heart, like the phrase, follow your heart. But the key I think, to all of these is that it’s so internal. It’s unique to us as individuals and no one else can know what our inner voice is saying, but us.

And so, if as parents, we’re constantly telling our children what they should feel and think, or implying that there’s a right way to feel and think about things, our children can become disconnected from what they feel and think for themselves. And I think it’s a pretty common experience in school to kind of lose touch with that inner voice because there are just so many external voices telling children what to do and what is best and what is right.

And so, when we’re talking about unschooling, that is one of the really valuable things I think that we can offer our children is that space and time to cultivate that inner knowing and really encourage them to tune into that inner voice, reassure them that everyone’s experience is different and that they’re the ones who truly know themselves deeply.

And I think having someone there who really believes in their ability to make decisions and believes that they can tune into what works for them, is just super empowering for children as they grow and learn. So, I’m excited to talk about this.

PAM: I’m thinking back to when the kids came home from school we were together all the time. When I think about this, the skill I had to learn and really embrace was patience. They left school, so they had that environment. I had relatively recently left work, all those outer voices were strong.

So to have the patience to hold this space for all of us to actually see what bubbles up for us. I mean, it was hard and it was the most amazing and revealing thing. Over time, wow, it’s amazing where we go when we leave space for this. And also it’s amazing the time that it takes.

We were just so used to the busyness and focusing on accomplishing all these things. We want to do this, well, if we want to do this, then we gotta do this, this, this, and this. It’s just so easy to flip into that kind of busyness mode, that accomplishment mode. But to have that patience and hold up that space for everyone, it was life changing.

These are human beings. This is how wonderfully we can move through the world when we have that chance to actually see what bubbles up. Listen to our inner voice, just absorb what’s going on and make that next choice moving forward.

Even when we’re in the flow. To get into the flow of whatever it is that we’re doing in the moment and just to see where it takes us. It was just very beautiful.

ANNA: So many things that I want to say based on what you just said, but I’m going to go in this direction before I lose it, which was, I think a starting point for me was also to learn to listen to my own inner voice. Because I have a belief, I don’t know if it’s true or not true, but I have a belief that our true inner voice doesn’t seek to control others.

And so when I would see myself saying, you should do this, you should do that, that was actually a voice outside of myself that I had incorporated as an inner voice. That was the society or from my family or from people outside of me or from school. I was just this vessel to pass it on to the next generation.

And that’s the piece I wanted to be hyper aware of. And when I really started to tune into what’s my inner voice, what is my priority here? Who do I want to be in the world? You all have heard me say that a million times. Who do I want to be in the world? That really changed because then I could share what worked for me, I could share what was happening for me, but it didn’t have that energy or that judgment of what the other person was doing.

So I felt like by me really becoming clear on what my inner voice was telling me, it allowed the space for those around me to hear theirs. And my children never went to school.

And so what I saw was that they really led the way for me, right? Because I feel like we all come into the world knowing who we are and what we want to do and how we want to move in that moment. There’s lots of growth ahead. Obviously I’m still growing, but I think we really do have a good sense of ourselves when we come in and that kind of gets chipped away at by various environments or whatever we were exposed to.

But I found that they had a strong sense of that. And when I could not be this vessel of society’s ‘have tos’, I learned from them and it just came very naturally.

ERIKA: I love that so much. That’s amazing. I feel like a lot of times we may have something that feels like our inner voice. But once we start peeling back the layers, once we start thinking about where did this belief come from? Do I really believe it? There are a lot of these things that were just super ingrained, since childhood, societal messages and so, starting with yourself and starting with, what is my actual inner voice saying?

It helps me be curious about everyone else’s and knowing that people are different and everyone’s inner voice is saying something different. And when you said that they start their lives with that strong inner voice, I think that’s so true and it reminds me of “difficult toddlers”, you know, once they start to have their opinions about things and it can be frustrating sometimes for parents. They are thinking they have to try to make them do this thing and they don’t want to do this thing.

But if we can trust that they know what works for them and really value learning more about them and being curious about what their inner voice is telling them and taking that seriously, then I think that builds trust. We talked about it recently as well. Just showing them, yes, I care about what your body and your mind is saying about this thing.

If you’re feeling unsafe in this situation, if you’re feeling like this is not exciting for you, this is not interesting for you. Any of those things, where kids may be giving us a clear message of, I don’t like this. If we can show them that it matters. Your opinion about this is important and I want to learn more about what’s going on for you in that situation. I think that will just really strengthen the relationship too.

PAM: Oh yeah. I think it really, really does. It helps them feel seen and heard. It helps us learn more about them and helps them build trust in themselves. And confidence in themselves.

And another thing I wanted to pick up along those lines is when we talk about supporting them and helping them listen to their inner voices, that does not mean everything is going to go perfectly. It’s back to that open and curious and to recognizing that we’re learning about ourselves and we’re learning about things.

We’re learning about our world, our environment, the people that we live with. It doesn’t mean that everything, that every choice that they make is going to unfold the way they expected, right? That’s how we are learning more. I thought it was going to go this way. And it really went in a completely different direction.

And maybe I’m super not happy about that right now. But it doesn’t mean it’s wrong, and it doesn’t mean that I should have jumped in and stopped them from following that choice or doing that thing, right?

ANNA: That just sparked something to me because also the reverse. So, bear with me. The stakes are a little bit lower when they’re younger, and sometimes we’ll hear people say, well, I pushed them to do the thing they didn’t want to do, and they ended up having fun. They ended up enjoying it. And so, that’s an interesting thing because right. And there’s nothing wrong about that necessarily. But I think it’s interesting when you look at it through this lens because it kind of chips away.

And so while you were saying, sometimes they do something and it goes awry, maybe sometimes they make a choice not to go somewhere and they have a regret later, or they think, maybe I would’ve liked that. Or their sibling went and had fun and they feel bad. But that’s learning. That’s them learning about themselves versus thinking, I don’t make good decisions, so someone else needs to make the decision for me. I don’t know what’s best for me, so someone else needs to do it.

So it’s not about the mistake, that’s where the learning is. And so if we can, when the stakes are low, really allow that in childhood, they’re building this resilience, this understanding of themselves how to change and pivot when they realize, I wish I’d done that, or I wish I hadn’t done that, or whatever the case might be. We’re giving them an opportunity to learn more about themselves because the stakes get higher, and what I didn’t want is for them to be second guessing those feelings of safety.

When the stakes are higher in the future, I really wanted them to tune into that inner voice and if it meant them not going to the event with us, which was probably neither here nor there, if that helped them build that understanding of themselves and that trust in their voice, that worth way more than the show or the photo op or the family Christmas, you know?

And so I think just really looking at this broader picture and bringing this lens to it, thinking about how do we develop an inner voice? How do we develop a strong inner voice that serves us? I think that’s really fascinating when we look at these relationships.

ERIKA: Those conversations can be so interesting too. And I’ve had lots of those situations where it feels like there’s something in their inner voice that’s saying they might not be interested in this thing, but it’s not a strong No, it’s a, I don’t really know enough about it.

There’s all this nuance to it. So I really feel like if we can go into the conversations without the agenda of, my way’s the right way. I have to try to convince them as hard as I can to do this thing. Then they might be open enough to have conversations where we can ask, what is it about it that feels bad?

What is it about it that you are interested in? And just kind of figure out what the pieces are. I might have told this story before, but when we were at this trampoline place, I just had the sense that Oliver would love to jump on the trampoline, but he was standing on the edge and saying he could not do it.

And so we just kept watching and looking and I was saying, it looks like you know you’re interested in it or it looks like that might be fun for you. You love jumping, kind of thing. And so in the end he did end up doing it, but it was this whole process of, let me hear the concerns. Let’s talk about what it’s like.

Let’s look around and see how safe it seems. And I think in that case it was probably because there were so many other kids there. And so just reassuring him that I was right there and I wouldn’t be leaving. That was the big thing for him at that time. But I wouldn’t have known that necessarily.

He could have been scared he was going to get hurt or he could have been worried about any number of things. And so I think that’s what’s kind of interesting about this is the conversations and what you can learn about, about your kids.

PAM: What helped me do that was that patience lens. To just be patient. And as I’ve learned later, not having an agenda. Because the conversations aren’t like that. Those conversations aren’t very fruitful if they feel like they have a leading energy, even if we don’t say the words, because the energy is just so big. It’s not just about the word.

So even if we don’t try to convince them, there’s a tone, a rising end to the question. There is just a leading energy when it’s something that we think would be good for them. And the other piece I wanted to mention that I think is so valuable is that we can also feel like at this moment that maybe we’ll never come to a trampoline place again. Like this has to happen now. And the idea, Anna, that there’s plenty of time, your plenty of time mantra, that we have talked about on the podcast before. It’s okay to say no and regret doesn’t mean it was a mistake.

This is all just learning. Next time you can make a different choice. Right? And I think that it’s something that’s beautiful for them to bring with them as they get older and situations become a little more nuanced. Situations may have more implications.

But there still is plenty of time. A similar choice is probably going to come up again. And what you’re learning from whatever your choice is and however it unfolds, is knowledge you will be able to bring with you. The next time a similar situation arises because it really will.

ANNA: Yeah, yeah, for sure. We’ll get lots of chances. I’m going to go back to the trampoline example because I think what’s so beautiful about that is, and I think it can be kind of a litmus test. Is, am I leading them towards an outcome? Am I leading him towards jumping or am I leading him towards understanding himself better?

And that was really what you were describing there. So, I just wanted to put words to it because what you were helping him do was tease out the pieces of, this feels scary, or I’m not sure about that. Or what about this? And that’s helping him listen to his inner voice, maybe giving words to some things he might not have experience with.

But it wasn’t with the idea that I’m going to talk you into jumping because I know you’re going to like jumping. You saw a little glimmer of, I think he’s interested in this. I want to dig in a little bit more. And I think that’s just that litmus test. Do I have this outcome that I think is best or am I really just giving them, like we’re talking about in this whole episode, space to cultivate that inner voice, listen to it, ask some questions, and move forward no matter what, because maybe that time he wasn’t going to be ready. He wanted to take all that in and next time you’d come back he’d be ready to do the jump. And that would’ve been just fine too. So I love that piece.

And I think that’s the nuance of are we leading them towards an outcome we want or are we giving them space to really hear themselves and recognizing that, yes, sometimes, we can all get confused and feel a little nervous about this thing. And then I can talk to somebody that helps me figure out how I’m feeling. So, I think that’s a beautiful nuance.

ERIKA: Yes. And that made me think about the conversations that we have really help us. Even just a regular conversation. So maybe not even in that high stakes moment is what I’m thinking about, right?

Not when we’re standing on the edge of a trampoline, but when we’re just hanging out, having conversations where we’re showing that people have different feelings and opinions about things. People are different. And really talking to our kids about how people are different.

Maybe not even using myself as an example because I know sometimes there’s some weight to that of like, this is what I think is best. Right? And so then kids can be influenced thinking, oh, well mom likes that. But just saying, this guy feels nervous about going off the curb on the street. This other guy climbs up Yosemite with no ropes.

So people have different feelings about safety and climbing, things like that. And so then when we’re in places. Where they’re listening to their bodies and listening to themselves about, does this feel safe to me? They have that experience of some people feel really comfortable with this, some people don’t, and that’s okay.

How do I feel? And opinions about things too, asking their opinions about things rather than saying, this is good, this is bad. This is what I like, and so therefore you should like it. And I really think it’s a red flag that I’m not listening to their inner voice if I find myself trying really hard to convince them to do something.

So, I can recognize that and realize that I have a bit of an expectation. I’m just hoping that they’ll like this thing, that I have stopped listening to what their real opinions are about it.

PAM: I think that is super, super valuable because it does not help to put expectations of perfection on ourselves, right?

It’s like, what are the clues that, for me, I might be pushing past something that I have the intention of not doing. Who do I want to be? What kind of parent do I want to be? Just noticing even after an interaction. Because things are going to go sideways with our kids. They are going to feel like we pushed them or we were trying to convince them even if we didn’t mean to. But that’s a learning experience for us too. Looking at the exchange.

Did it feel like I kind of tipped over a line? How was I feeling? What was it? What was my capacity? Maybe I’m looking for bigger picture patterns in my life, just to find the clues to help me be the person that I want to be. And I want to be someone who cultivates and supports my child listening to and learning their inner voice. I know you’re talking about putting words to their inner voice, because sometimes it’s just a feeling.

That’s what processing is. It’s figuring out and putting words to the things that we’re feeling that are bubbling up for us. Maybe our inner voice is trying to communicate with us or trying to just knock on our brain for a moment. So,I think that it is a beautiful thing to be able to look for the little clues in our lives because they are unique to us.

People are different again. And what are the little pieces that can help me find a moment to just help myself switch a little bit to be more of the person I want to be in the moment because yeah, it’s never perfect. And to put an expectation on our relationship that things are going to be perfect doesn’t help.

That changes our inner voice as well, because all of a sudden trying to meet expectations which are out there or even if they’re expectations we’re putting on ourselves, they’re outside weights that we’re putting on. Right. And that tamps down any inner voices and then we have more work to do.

ANNA: Right. I think that when you have that feeling like you were describing Erika, because we’ve all had it, like I’m pushing a little bit hard here. That’s my cue to ask. where’s that coming from? Because again, I really do believe our inner voice doesn’t seek to control others. I think that’s outside expectations.

I think that’s baggage that we’re hearing. And so that’s my first little clue. And that’s why I say ‘there’s plenty of time’ all the time because it slows me down. If there’s plenty of time for them to try this thing, do this thing, I can slow down and tease apart what are the expectations I’m bringing to it, what kind of outside voices are influencing me in this moment?

And so remembering there is plenty of time is key for me. You two know, I use it all the time to just slow myself down because I can just get on a track and I really do miss the little cues from the people around me.

ERIKA: And I feel like it’s even harder to remember that there’s plenty of time if the decisions feel more intense, maybe things related to their health or things about food or if they’re having an interest that feels scary to us.

These more activating moments with our kids where it feels like if I can’t convince them that I know what’s right, things might just go off the rails. Even in those times, there’s plenty of time is super helpful. And remembering that their inner voice applies to things like their body’s health and what they should eat and what they’re interested in.

All of those things too. And people are different in those areas as well. And so if we can just still keep some of that open, curious mindset, even in those heavier weighted areas that we may feel like we have super strong beliefs about. That’s just going to help them feel supported and know that they can trust us to do this processing and figure out what works for them.

PAM: For me, that’s what it boils down to. That patience lens was so helpful. Plenty of time is helpful. Being open and curious helps me with patience. All those ideas just weave together for me when it comes to helping each person listen to, hear or act from, even if they don’t quite understand their inner voice but to make the choices that feel best in this moment. Within what’s going on for them and what’s going on around them.

ANNA: Because I think that creating that environment is part of letting them know there’s plenty of time. You may be getting some mixed messages inside of you. Slow it down and take your time because your body’s going to tell you, you’re going to learn things and it’s okay to try. I’m grateful for this episode because I think it is really something that we all want, we want our kids to listen to their inner voice.

But bringing some intention to what it looks like to create that space is really cool.

ERIKA: Can I add one more little thing I just thought of?

ANNA: Yes, please!

ERIKA: Okay. So, for those things like health and food and scary interests and things that have weight, but also the expectations of outside people also can feel like a weight.

And so one thing that I want to remind myself is that listening to your inner voice is more important than what some outside person is thinking about what you’re doing. As an example, if they’re feeling like there’s too many people in here and that they need to leave, but this is at a family party, to me, it’s more important that they are tuning into that and knowing that they’re feeling overwhelmed and stepping away, rather than worrying about disappointing these other family members. And so, really valuing that inner voice development in the kids more than what the outside people are saying.

ANNA: And I think something that happens there is we actually give people permission to do that themselves. I definitely would have that with my oldest. I would just frame it like, I love it that she knows herself so well that she needs some space right now.

And I mean, invariably somebody would say. I wish I was better at that, or, there are times I want to get out of here and then it becomes light and laughter. Whereas I have absolutely had the feelings you’re talking about there too, where I’m thinking, are we hurting somebody’s feelings? Is the host going to think we don’t like them?

But that’s outside, right? My inner voice isn’t trying to control anyone and can share those beautiful connecting pieces. That outside voice is when I’m trying to control all the things. And so it’s just that litmus test.

PAM: And those were moments when, over time, where I would just step in and I would just actively share the positive perspective, right?

It’s protective of the person who just needs to do whatever it is they need to do. Also, like you were saying, it’s planting that seed that it’s okay. And I’m almost talking to myself when I am talking about how that’s a positive thing and a great thing to do.

Like they say, I wish I could and I say, I wish I could.

ANNA: Oh my goodness. Okay. As always, so much fun, you two. Thank you both for being here, and thank you to everyone who is listening. We hope you found it helpful on your unschooling journey and just your journey in life in general. And if these kinds of conversations are fun for you, please, please, please join us at the Living Joyfully Network.

We have so much fun and so many interesting conversations. I get so much out of it every day. I am so grateful for it. We would love to see you there and you can learn more about it in the show notes. You can visit livingjoyfully.ca/network or livingjoyfullyshop.com. We hope to see you there and thanks so much for listening!