Old News Nonsense Vol. 10

Chambers of the Occult

In Old News Nonsense Vol. 10, we’re starting things off with a honking good story: the wandering goose of Ocean Pines, who met an untimely, yet somehow expected fate after terrorizing an entire neighborhood. This ornery goose had the whole community on edge, and it seems that Friday the 13th was the last straw.

Next, we delve into a mystery worthy of a feathered detective: a birdnapping heist at Tropic Gardens Zoo. From baby parakeets to beloved Chicken George himself, it’s a tale of squawks, scandal, and a $500 reward for any information about this fowl felony.

In the world of pigeons, not all birds are created equal — at least, not according to Atlantic City’s National Pigeon Association. Pigeon enthusiasts are here to defend their pristine pets against the reputation set by the boardwalk’s less-than-elegant “street pigeons.” It’s a battle of clout in the pigeon community, and these feathered aristocrats are not letting any peanut-pilfering street birds tarnish their good name.

Now, hold your breath for Nebraska’s first crow-bombing in 27 years, where the skies cleared in a cacophony of cawing chaos as 5,000 unlucky crows met their explosive end. It was a coordinated operation of dynamite and primacord — all to rid Litchfield of its most unwanted feathered guests.

Just when you think we’re grounded, we get swept up in the excitement of a runaway horse on Penn Avenue. This rogue equine took to the streets, crashing into wagons, evading capture, and eventually being halted by a brave bystander, Jacob Rott, who heroically held on despite being dragged 100 feet.

Next, we pay our respects (or not) with an obituary for Kathleen Dehmlow, whose family spared no words in detailing her legacy — or rather, lack thereof. Sometimes, history is best remembered honestly, and for the Dehmlow family, that meant letting the world know exactly why they felt the world was better off without her.

We switch gears with the Purina Cat Chow Calendar Contest, where your feline friend could claw their way to $25,000 and a shot at calendar stardom. Last year’s winner set the standard, and now it’s your cat’s turn to chow down, pose up, and possibly become America’s next top cat.

Finally, we’ll wrap things up with the oddly named music group Zoom, Schwartz, and Profigliano. Named after a Milwaukee drinking game, this ensemble’s name may have raised eyebrows, but it’s their unique sound that’s got audiences talking. With a blend of harmonies, bossa nova, and calypso influences, they’re ready to shoot for the stars — and maybe even the pinnacle of show business, if their confidence is anything to go by.

So tune in to Old News Nonsense Vol. 10 for a ride through stories that are anything but dull, and prepare to be amused by the oddities of old headlines.

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