Now Testament: Mariz Carcillar

Church for LGBT - Open Table MCC - Philippines

Hi everyone, I’m Mariz, ang tita nyong taga etivac na mapagmahal sa kawali! I am a cisgender female who identifies as pansexual – married to the love of my life, my wife Mikay.

I’m a late bloomer— I was once just an ally of the LGBTQ+ community, unlike many of you na bata palang nagidentify na bilang sirena o diwata w/ glitters dahil lumilipad sa chinese garter, I identified as a straight ally until my early adult years.

People may think na, “Ah, naheartbroken sya sa lalaki kaya sya pumatol sa babae” – Nope.

People may think na, “Ah, may family issues yan kaya nagrerebeldeng nagjowa ng babae” – Nope.

People may think na, “Ah, nageexperiment pa siguro sya, maghahanap din ng lalaki yan” – Nope. Sino bayang people na yan? Wag kamo silang paladesisyon.

So, what was my life like before joining Open Table MCC?

Growing up, I often heard the phrase “homosexuality is a sin” during church services. Kung saan normal maging pulot ng katatawanan ang pagiging effem or “babakla bakla”. But to me, bilang pinalaki ng Sexbomb girls, I grew up with bakla frennies who were such vibrant individuals that brought creativity to my life. I couldn’t see what the hate was all about – dahil nuong bata pa ako, hindi ko pa naman naiintindihan ang konsepto ng pakikipagtalik ng isang lalaki sa kapwa nya lalaki. So, I hadn’t fully understood the hate; because to me, they were just talented people deserving of love and respect and I always had a protective instinct to stand up for them.

That is of course, until I became one myself. Yinakap ko ang bahaghari when I chose to have a relationship with a woman. In 2019, after recovering from depression, I found myself asking the universe for a love that wouldn’t hurt me, yung hindi ka lolokohin. Little did I know, that quaint prayer would lead me to my greatest confusion—and my greatest joy.

When I met Mikay, para syang eksena a K-drama, nagslo-mo sya sa harap ko and it was like she had all the gravitational pull papunta sa kanya. To clarify my feelings, I dated guys, hoping to figure it all out na baka sipon lang to that would go away. Pero hindi eh, walang spark, my heart was unmistakably drawn to her. Sya talaga. After the long internal Q&A portion with my intrusive thoughts, I embraced my identity as pansexual.

This is the first time I had a girlfriend, and I definitely wasn’t prepared for this experience. As we started going out in public and sharing our relationship on social media, I became acutely aware of the fact that we were two women together. “Babae at Babae Kami”. The glares and side glances felt heavy, and I could hear the unspoken societal judgments echoing around us.

Doon ako nagsimulang mag-alala sa mga iniisip ng iba, lalo na kung ano ang masasabi nila sa pamilya ko kaya we became somewhat lowkey – lowkey pero hindi secret. There were people whom I loved, that didn’t agree with this new change in my life who told me that “If you really love her. you should let her go so you can both go to heaven” and “alam mo naman ang stand ko about this, kasi hindi ito ang turo ng bible”. These were actual hurtful verbatims that were said to me by the closest people I loved the most. Hence, from when they spoke these words, either we had a falling out or I cut them off completely and kept my respectful boundaries. I also struggled with my faith and thought that I’m contradicting with this kind of love. Tinanggap ko nang maging panggatong nalang after this life.

This was a sample of a micro aggression towards being queer that I experienced first-hand. Akala ko noon naiintindihan ko na sila, hindi pa pala. The happiness coming from our romantic relationship was fluctuating to and from the guilt that what we’re doing is wrong – that’s when I realized that “Internal Homophobia” really hits different, and it hits you hard.

Despite all of that, I loved her fiercely because I knew she didn’t deserve to be treated that way. I focused on her happiness, determined to create a safe space for her amidst the negativity we faced. I wanted her to feel cherished and valued, not just by me but in a world that often seemed unkind. Every glance and whisper became a reminder of the challenges we had to navigate, but I chose to rise above it. Pag may nakikikita kaming na-o-off sa affection namin in public, mas lalo pa kaming lumalagkit at nagpapakasweet.

I encouraged her to embrace her joy and to know that our love was something to celebrate, and not hide. Kasi wala naman kaming ginagawang masama, wala kaming inaapakang tao, and wala kaming ginagawang ikasasakit ng iba. In those moments, I realized that love is a powerful force; it can shine brightly even in the darkest of circumstances. I was committed to protecting our togetherness and standing against the tide of misunderstanding and prejudice.

So sa dinami rami ng sinabi ko, paano nga ba kami napadpad sa MCC – and what was our motivation?

Three years into my relationship with Mikay, we felt a significant void that our love couldn’t fill. She was attending a conservative church, while I was also in a homophobic mega church, both leaving us spiritually unfulfilled and often sad. Discussions about faith became sensitive topics because we were practicing two different beliefs of Christianity. We rarely went to church – and we never went together kasi the sermons in church would ultimately always make us feel bad about being together. We longed for a faith community that accepted us, yet the sermons we heard in our current churches felt hateful and exclusive, so we let go of that possibility.

Frequent arguments made us realize that the absence of God in our lives was taking its toll and it was like an uncontrollable poison that was spreading fast. Despite that turmoil, we always knew in our hearts that we wanted to be in each other’s lives forever. Diba, sana all? And had talked about having a Holy Union ceremony for the two of us. Kahit hindi legal sa pilipinas, but a sign of our commitment to each other.

Upon searching for LGBTQ Churches in the Philippines that officiates a “Holy Union” service – we stumbled accross MCC sa Google Search results. We thought we can check it out to get the vibe and if it’s really something that we want for ourselves, or baka clout chasers lang kami.

The first time we experienced MCC was on December 11, 2022, when we decided to make the two-hour journey from Cavite to Boni, to attend a Sunday Service. We rode our motorcycle to De Oro Building in Boni, navigating through a sketchy entrance that added to my anxiety because the building lowkey looked kinda scary and looked like one big safety hazard. I hesitantly rode the elevator, feeling uneasy but reminding myself that we had traveled so far—and there was no turning back. Upon reaching the fourth floor, we took off our shoes and entered Unit 401, arriving ten minutes late. Pastor Joseph was already beginning his introduction, but paused warmly to welcome us and introduced himself as the “Mother Superior of Roses.” I looked around to the congregation that were mostly composed of mga badeng which I was expecting to be intimidating, pero surprisingly ay hindi.

Pastor Joseph was wearing pink, Jun and Josh wore the same uniqlo shirt that day, Kuya Jack was the one-man choir with his rainbow-strapped guitar, and Ralph came up to the Pulpit to preach “Joy in Suffering”. I vividly remember uncontrollable tears streaming down my face because I was caught off guard by the depth of my emotions. It felt like God was whispering, “Anak, you’re home.” I glanced at my partner, hoping she was as moved as I was, because I was hopeful that I can convince her to do this again the next Sunday.

As the service continued, I remember that it had been years since I practiced communion, so I’ve been feeling unworthy of receiving the body of Christ. But, when Pastor Joseph mouthed the blessings over the bread and wine, “Baruch atah Adonai, Eloheinu melech haolam, hamotzi lechem min ha-aretz. Baruch atah Adonai, Eloheinu melech ha-olam, borei p’ri hagafen.” hand to my heart, that I had goosebumps.

I was invited to come with my doubts, my fears, my brokenness, and I came with my lover, as we were also – children of God. It was as if Christ himself, invited me to supper. It was a hug of belongingness na “Anak din naman ako ni Lord”. It was my first communion, where I accepted it not out of the program flow, but out of my heart opening up to the invitation of this open table. I quietly prayed to God – not with any desires, but just uttered how grateful I was to be led here to experience His Love in this space. Akalain mo yun, mararanasan pala namin ang presensya ng Diyos sa loob ng isang simbahan na nasa loob ng isang building na may nakakatakot na entrace at nakakatakot ng elevator. Who would have imagine or think that God is present in a small space of an old building with a scary and shady entrance?

And ever since that first service, my partner and I, continued to immerse ourselves in this wonderful and colorful community. We were not a queer couple here, but we were only a couple – naramdaman naming maging normal couple and was warmly accepted with love. We continued to build relationships with the people of Opentable, and chose to show up to family dinners, community hangouts, and pride marches.

When I first came to MCC, I had no expectations. But as I reflect on how this church has impacted my life, I asked myself why I put in the effort to be here. I could easily choose not to attend kasi ang layo layo ko nga – pero pinipili kong magsimba sa MCC dahil ramdam ko kasi na ito ang community for me.

Here, I’ve come to understand advocacy issues that I once overlooked. Listening to the life stories of others has helped me grasp the struggles they face and the reasons behind their fight.

Here, I learned about the struggles of coming out, the pain of rejection, and the resilience it takes to embrace one’s true self in a world that often seems unwelcoming.

Here, the stigmas I once held have faded significantly as I encounter real people with real stories—each one unique and powerful. Kahit pa makalat ang story na yan, mas makalat, mas inspiring because there is power in being vocal about your vulnerable experiences.

Initially, I carried preconceived notions shaped by society’s narratives like misunderstandings about what it meant to be queer or stereotypes about LGBTQ+ individuals, and/or a lack of awareness about the diverse identities within our community and lost the panghihinayang in the phrase “kaso bakla sya”. Gwapo sana sya kaso – Magaling sana sya kaso – Okay na sana kaso –

These conversations challenged my previous beliefs and prompted me to confront my own biases. I began to see the richness of our community, and that our identities are not just labels but they are woven into the fabric of our own experiences. Ang saya maging bakla! I recognized the importance of allyship, solidarity, and the need to advocate for one another.

As I absorbed these lessons, my stigmas transformed into empathy and support. I realized that by breaking down my own misconceptions, I could contribute to creating a more inclusive environment, not just for myself but for everyone seeking acceptance and love. This journey has deepened my understanding of both my own identity and the collective strength of our community – I find motivation in facilitating our Online Community Connect because it’s where I can allocate my energy to help extend this safe space remotely.

I used to attend church and follow its teachings without question, driven by a deep-seated fear of judgment and a desire to conform kasi takot akong hindi makarating sa heaven. For so long, my faith was shaped by the expectations of others—rules about how to live, whom to love, and what to believe. I feared stepping outside those boundaries because I worried about disappointing my family, my community, and even God. Pero nakakapagod itong isustain. This blind obedience left me feeling disconnected, as if I was merely going through the motions rather than truly engaging with my spirituality.

However, as I journeyed through queer safe spaces and found acceptance within the MCC community, my perspective began to shift. I realized that faith should not be about fear but about love and understanding.

This transformation not only deepened my relationship with God but also healed the wounds of past rejection and self-doubt. I started to ask meaningful questions like “What does it truly mean to love and be loved by God?” and “How can I reconcile my identity with my faith?” Profound diba? Here, it’s okay to question your faith and find answers according to your own heart.

Now, my faith is a journey of exploration rather than obligation. I approach it with curiosity and openness, eager to learn about the vastness of God’s love and grace. I now understand that God’s love is inclusive and affirming, embracing all of who I am. This shift has allowed me to experience faith as a source of strength and comfort, rather than a burden, and it inspires me to share that love with others.

This story of self-discovery ultimately prepared me for my holy union with my wife. It equipped me with the understanding that our love is a reflection of God’s love—beautiful, sacred, and deserving of celebration. As we stand together, committing our lives to one another, I feel a profound sense of peace and joy, knowing that our love is not only accepted but cherished in this community of faith. And that it would not have been as meaningful, if it wasn’t for the people in this space.

I think that the most important lesson that God taught me through MCC is to “Come As You Are“.

In a world that often tries to define us by labels or stereotypes, it’s essential to embrace and celebrate what makes you uniquely you. Your individuality is your strength. You are a unique genetic combination that has come into existence. No one was like you before and no one will be like you in the future. Individuality is a gift from God otherwise sana ginawa tayong parepreho ni Lord. Mass production of Mariz. Your individuality is what allows you to stand out and to connect authentically with others. Embrace your quirks, your passions, and your unique story—these are the things that makes you who you are.

Remember, that your journey is your own, and there’s no one way to be queer! Wala namang rulebook na nagdidikta pano maging bakla, live life on your own terms while making sure that do not harm others and you are still able to live with different people with their own uniqueness.

In uplifting your individuality, you not only honor yourself but also honor the God who made you unique and doing so you also pave the way for others to feel empowered in their own identities. Let your voice be heard, your colors be seen, and your story be told, follow your disturbances and express your beliefs even if they differ from the mainstream.

But of course, individuality has its challenges. It is also here in MCC I learned that unique individuality includes all our imperfections, traumas, and even mental health conditions, and this can be very challenging for a community that proclaims itself as a safe space because it attracts also diverse people with diverse problems, traumas, and mental health. On this part, I am still learning and growing because to accept my individuality and the individuality of others, I have to also recognize my imperfection and the imperfection of others. How to extend grace and understanding for others as much as others will extend grace and understanding for someone like me. Sometimes this is the true test of love dahil sabi nga, not only in the good but also in the bad. Not only in celebration but also love in difficulties, particularly, in the difficulties attached with diverse individualities. Hindi pwedeng love lang sa mabuti, maganda, at masaya. All the more ang love, patience, and understanding sa malungkot, nakakairita, at mga chakang pangyayari.

I’d like to share a memorable passage that Pastor Joseph highlighted during our Holy Union, because it beautifully illustrates the power of love and devotion: the story of Ruth and Naomi.

In the book of Ruth Chapter 1 verses 16-17, Ruth expresses her unwavering commitment to Naomi with these heartfelt words: “Wherever you go, I will go; wherever you live, I will live. Your people will be my people, and your God will be my God. Where you die, I will die, and there I will be buried. May the LORD deal with me, be it ever so severely, if even death separates you and me.”

To me, this speaks as a reminder that love is not limited to traditional definitions or societal approvals. Ruth and Naomi’s relationship is a testament to the beauty of chosen family and the courage it takes to love authentically, even when faced with adversity.

As we reflect on this passage, I want to encourage you to be courageous in your own expressions of love!

Love, in all its forms, is a divine gift. Just as Ruth’s love for Naomi, when you find it, embrace it, cherish it, because your love is valid.

The world may not always understand or accept us, so let her words remind us that love knows no boundaries, and may we carry the truth forward in our own lives. So, let’s continue supporting one another in our own journeys, and remember that while we have our own journeys we also journey together. Your individuality is not just for yourself but also for others. And I thank God that I’m able to continue my journey and be just as I am with the person I love by journeying with others in MCC. May we always remember: love is love, and it is meant to be celebrated!

I encourage you to love boldly, love authentically, and know that you are creating a beautiful testament to the power of love that reflects the heart of God.

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