(01) BEFORE: Setting the Stage and a Candid Interview

From Surviving to Living

Discover extra content in the blog post – BEFORE

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Before the confines of prison, I had an ordinary life, family, dreams. Before 2010, everything seemed on track. Life has a way of surprising us, doesn’t it? Before 2010, I didn’t see the tragic detour ahead, a journey that would challenge every belief, every idea of self. Then came the pivotal moment, the moment that shattered the illusion of a predictable future.

Prison, often seen as the end, became the canvas for a new beginning.

TRANSCRIPT

Prison doesn’t change lives. God changes even people in prison. Join me as we unravel life Before 2010, peaking at moments that led to profound transformation. This is just the beginning of one story that defies expectations and embraces the power of change.

Prison didn’t change my life. Earthly things don’t change us into heavenly creatures.
Salvation is a gift from God. It just so happens I was in prison when that happened for me.
Before my arrest at age 35 in 2010 I never thought about prison, jail, or the criminal justice system. Everything I thought I “knew,” I learned on TV, as I really enjoyed news and drama programs (which did me no good at all). To my knowledge I had no friends who’d sat jail time. I had no idea what to expect if I was arrested and sent to jail.
Have you found yourself in an unfamiliar situation, uncertain of what to expect, anxious for the future?
I’m inspired to share my story with you because I want to point you to Jesus and your own personal relationship with Him. He is so, so good! I also want to encourage you in whatever circumstances you are in today.
My life before prison was ordinary. Does that describe your life? Would you like more? You are in the right place.
I’ve always been a competitive person, often an overachiever. As a young person I was also insecure, and I acted out during my teen years. I often felt angry and unloved. These feelings would deepen into rage and depression as I grew older.
Growing up my parents took me and my brother to church several times a week. We were also sent to Fourth Baptist Christian School. I accepted Jesus as my Savior at a young age and was baptized at our church. I wanted to be a good girl and embraced what I was learning. It wasn’t praise I received, however, for my efforts; it was apathy and occasional accusation.
I grew to hate my mother, feeling rejected, and I ran away from home for a short time at age 17. I could not bear returning to a place where I felt misunderstood and mischaracterized. Frequent tongue lashings instead of loving conversations had left me wrung out and ready to find love and approval elsewhere.
Just before my 19th birthday, I impulsively married a man I had dated in high school, even though we were no longer dating. On a whim we drove to Las Vegas with some friends and got married. This would be the first of many choices I would regret, while not understanding my motivations.
Not for the first time I was asked, “What were you thinking? Why did you do that?” It wouldn’t be the last time.
Have you ever done something you don’t understand? Do you have regrets?
Romans 7:15 “For I do not understand my own actions. I am baffled, bewildered. I do not practice or accomplish what I wish, but I do the very thing that I loathe, which my moral instinct condemns.”
I became pregnant with my first son soon after. Within a month or two my husband began cheating on me, and a year later we were separated.
I was eager to prove myself after this disaster. I felt shame as a single mom, a divorced woman, in her early 20s. I lacked a personal relationship with Jesus, however, at the time. I had accepted Him as my Savior, but He wasn’t Lord of my life. I was not rebellious, I simply didn’t understand the concept.
At age 23 I remarried. I had believed my first husband shared my religious convictions and I felt certain my new husband did as well. In order to determine this I considered his family, whose religious convictions were similar, and used this to inform me. My second husband also lacked a personal relationship with Jesus.
I’d heard the phrase “personal relationship with Jesus” before, although it wasn’t stressed nor explained at the church I grew up in. Salvation was their talking point, which they believed they’d narrowed to a formula – “the sinner’s prayer.” What should be expected afterward was not described (other than heaven upon death, which was also not further described), although teaching was of high importance at this church.
I’d prayed the salvation prayer many times throughout my formative years, feeling no different than before. I was left wondering if I’d prayed “sincerely enough.” Convinced I couldn’t be more earnest and having been led to believe this prayer was all one needed, I came to view my experience as how it should be if one were saved and a good Christian.
I became arrogant and proud of my belief system, my religion, while at the same time losing interest in going to church as an adult. My second husband and I had 4 more children. I became a stay-at-home mom, and soon I was looking for ways to be a work at home mom.
I began developing my artistic talents, and soon my artwork was installed at a local gallery. I began selling my paintings online as I looked for additional ways to be productive. I would soon use these skills to become an award-winning blogger and IT director of a large non-profit.
In 2005 we lived in a small town. A talk radio station mentioned a young local soldier had been injured in Iraq and was recovering at the VA hospital. His family was encouraging everyone to come and visit. All were welcome.
I am an introvert. I am also a patriot. I absolutely wanted to go. I took it with faith that this was a true invitation to visit. The next day, husband came home from work early. I relayed the news from the radio and asked his thoughts. He said he’d watch the kids and encouraged me to go. I drove an hour into the city and visited this wounded soldier.
More of that story can be read in my book, From Here to There. The immediate result is that while visiting I learned this soldier was receiving many visitors. I learned the soldiers in the neighboring hospital rooms were from other states altogether. Many of their families could not afford to visit them at all. I decided to return as often as I could.
I was surprised how easy it was to encourage these wounded soldiers. I thought others would want to do it too, if they knew how. I began a blog and started writing. My book From Here to There is a compilation of its popular posts. The blog became nominated for awards like the Bloggies, and won an award for the best U.S. Civilian MILblog (Military Blog).
This is the exciting and fun part of my story. Soon I was invited to travel to Washington D.C. to visit soldiers at Walter Reed hospital. I was a citizen journalist and reported on military blog panels. I traveled to other places as well for the non-profit Soldiers’ Angels and met many fine volunteers, military families, and soldiers.
Money did not improve my marriage or life. As my second marriage quickly soured, I was left to wonder what I was doing wrong. By age 35, the year of my arrest, my second marriage was so toxic we no longer shared a bedroom, and I’d grown to hate him.
That year I destroyed my family’s life, my life. I had a sexual relationship with my son’s 15-year-old friend, and in 2011 at age 36 (after a year of legal proceedings), I was officially convicted of criminal sexual conduct and sentenced to 12 years in prison.
It would be 5 more years before everything changed; I would never be the same.
During my incarceration Jesus used that time to make me aware of my need for Him as my Lord. He transformed me in ways I didn’t know possible through my relationship with Him. I began to share my testimony with fellow inmates.
Transformation is best displayed with an accurate representation of before, so that one can appreciate the results after. I share my story transparently in the hope it will encourage you to draw close to Jesus in your own walk with Him.
Released from prison in 2018, I felt a desire to encourage others using God’s work in my life as a tool. I began to write again, this time about my journey through prison and reentry. In 2023 I once again took this work to a blog format.
Do you suffer from depression? Is your marriage thriving or sinking? Are you interested in a better relationship with your children, your family, your parents? Are you faced with adversity, struggles and obstacles at work, at home, in your community? Is anxiety a frequent visitor in your life?
Before prison I did not know that personal transformation existed. I’m talking about amazing, shocking, exciting life transformation. Author A.W. Tozer states, “Every follower of Jesus should be a walking miracle, the kind of person who can never be explained.”
Are you a walking miracle? Do you want to be? God is interested in you, and anything God ever did for anybody, He will do for anybody else.
Join me on this journey! I can’t wait to see what God has for us next!

Get ready for “Between the lines”, a candid interview

Holly, Can you walk us through your decision to share your story with the world? What inspired you to be so transparent about your experiences?

Transparency is so important to good mental health and relationships with others. Before my relationship with Jesus I was very guarded. My family encouraged keeping secrets from others to receive approval. For example the church I grew up in was very strict and didn’t approve of many secular activities such as attending a movie theater. My parents decided it was not wrong to do this, however we children were told not to tell anyone, not even close family, that we thought this way. As I grew older I developed deep depression and found it very difficult to ask for help. Instead I minimized my pain and put on a brave face. These tactics didn’t improve my situation, rather they intensified my problems. I realize now that these behaviors not only limit one’s own ability to be helped but also restrict how much help you can give others.

Throughout your journey, you encountered various challenges and setbacks. How did you find the courage to keep moving forward, especially during the darkest moments?

I clearly remember one incident near the end of my 8 years in prison. At the time I had chosen to live at the prison’s intake unit to encourage new arrivals. A woman, learning how long I’d been in prison, shook her head with wonder and said, “I don’t know how you do it! I don’t think I could.” The truth was very simple – I had little choice in the matter. I’d prefer to have left years ago or have never come here at all. The doors remained locked regardless. Courage is another matter. Many times during my incarceration I slipped into deep depression. Ultimately it was Jesus Who provided the solution. Jesus gave me new abilities, He validated me by being responsive to me, and He poured Truth into me. Joy is doing life with a strong partner you love and who loves you. Jesus introduced Himself as that partner to me, loved me, and I quickly came to love Him.

Your involvement with blogging and volunteer work brought a sense of purpose and fulfillment. How did these activities contribute to your personal growth and healing?

Blogging and podcasting about my own life can be very painful. I relive these moments as I seek to accurately describe them. This work has been very healing for me for the same reason. Now removed from these events by many years, I can see them from a new perspective even as I relive them. Thinking about these events in new ways helps me to understand them more accurately.

The legal consequences of your actions led to significant repercussions. How did you cope with the aftermath of your mistakes, and what advice would you give to others facing similar challenges?

Coping in a healthy way must be learned, and when I entered prison I needed to learn these skills. If I had to give advice on this subject it would be this – ask God for help with this. Only God can marry the information learned in Scripture or therapy with experiences that reinforce Truth and allow one to internalize the lesson.

Your story emphasizes the importance of authenticity and vulnerability in sharing one’s journey. How do you balance the desire to be transparent with the need to protect yourself and your loved ones?

This is tricky. I attempt to show the reader or listener, rather than tell. Telling is summarizing, and when doing this the writer tends to editorialize, or in other words share their own opinions about the situation instead of letting the reader form their own understanding. Showing gives the readers the details of a scene, including what the character(s) are seeing, hearing, touching, tasting, smelling, thinking, and feeling emotionally. It allows the readers to come to their own conclusions. I do not feel a need to protect myself per se, rather my desire is to foster understanding. As for my loved ones, especially my children, I seek to foster very open communication with them about content I may release as well as maintaining an open door policy for discussing feelings about what I write or broadcast.

Looking to the future, what are your hopes and aspirations? How do you envision using your experiences to inspire and uplift others?

Yeah, great question. I see my story helping others in many ways. For people with criminal backgrounds or very difficult circumstances who may relate to that aspect of my story, I believe my experiences give them courage. I know there are many families who love someone who is in prison. They are probably feeling many things such as worry. It’s possible they have given up on their loved one or need hope to keep from being discouraged. I believe my story can alleviate many worries and give them hope, keep them praying. My story may motivate someone who doesn’t fit either of these situations but has a heart to help people, and I hope my story will encourage them to do just that. I hope listeners will share my story with people who need to know Jesus loves them.

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