Build Grit

Overflow with Craig Booker

Chinwé Williams opens this chapter with a story about her first counseling position as a high school counselor. During her time there, Chinwé, two students she refers to, Imani and Dayna. Both of these girls had played varsity basketball the year before but failed to make the team this particular year. The team had recruited new student-athletes to join the team which increased the competition.

Following a few weeks of counseling with Chinwé, she noticed a few things. Chinwé describes Imani as feeling empowered and determined to put in extra hard work to try out next season. Dayna, a lifelong athlete, decided she wasn’t fit for basketball. Dayna fought self-esteem issues that year, while Imani made the team the next time around.

The drastically different outcomes caused Chinwé to ask serious questions.

What caused one student to give up while the other one put in the hard work and succeeded in making the team?

The short answer is resilience.

Resilience can also be referred to as GRIT.

Angela Duckwork, a leading expert on grit, defines it this way.

"Grit is passion and sustained persistence applied toward long-term achievement!”

Preparing for Trouble

Possessing resilience or GRIT does not mean that stress or trouble won’t come your way. Those who have developed GRIT have seen their fair share of trials. They know what it means to struggle or experience distress. As kids and teens grow into adults, it is important for them to see that stress, change, and disappointment are all part of being human.

It is also important for them to see that they can develop strategies and coping skills to face these challenges head-on.

There are studies that show that optimism and flexibility are linked to resilience.

Reframing

The practice or act of reframing negative events is linked to resilience.

What is reframing?

It is a strategy often utilized by counselors or therapists that helps people look at situations or circumstances differently.

Reframing can be used to help people focus on the things they have as opposed to what they might have lost. It can be a helpful tool to help focus on what items are within our control versus what is outside our control.

How can we play this out?

Situation or event:

A get-together was canceled due to poor weather.

Kid or teen reaction:

The child experiences feelings of rejection, withdraws to their room, and feels disappointed, even to the point of feeling angry.

Parental Response:

“I can see that you are really disappointed that you don’t get to spend time with your friends. I know how much you were looking forward to it. I can understand why you would feel that way. Sometimes, when similar things happen to me, it helps to try and look at things differently.”

“What is something we could do, that we might not have done if the weather was nice?”

“We could possibly go to that new movie you were looking forward to seeing. Or maybe we could go check out books at the library? What are your thoughts? Do you have any other ideas?”

Learning to reframe a situation can be an invaluable tool in adapting and coping with life challenges.

As caring adults, mentors, or friends, we can play a crucial role in helping others develop these critical life skills. This is not only helpful for others, it is also helpful for us too.

Be a Safe Person

Helping a kid, teen, or adult feel safe is a tremendous ability. We all experience stress, despair, and times of uncertainty. As a parent of a young child, you will serve as an emotional barometer as they go through situations. A caring adult, mentor, or coach in the life of a teen can improve their ability to persist through the inevitable ups and downs in life by serving as a safe person.

So, what makes a person feel safe?

It is helpful to note that safety includes physical, emotional, and environmental safety.

With young kids, their world is rather small and well-defined. Their safety revolves around a few familiar places, and adults showing up at predictable times when they say the will. As kids and teens get older, they experience more places and additional people. These new experiences bring new, more complex issues and questions.

Avoid Rescueing Kids from Challenging Situations

The tendency of parents and caring adults is to jump in whenever a child stumbles or when they experience anxiety or fear. Chinwé and Will suggest that this may improve things in the short term, but it doesn’t allow them the opportunity to develop life-coping skills. It’s essential that adults help kids learn to manage their anxiety, fear, and distress without intervening.

Highlight Current Strengths and Past Victories

Disappointments are an unavoidable part of life. For teens going through despair, they can prove especially challenging. The human brain is quick to pull up past examples of failure, building a case as to why this is impossible.

As a parent or caring adult, you can play an important part in highlighting past successes and victories that will help build confidence. Everyone needs their own fan club. You can be the person to help them remember all they have faced and the hurdles they have overcome.

A Growth Mindset

Recovering from despair can be a huge challenge. After digging oneself out of a pit, it can be tempting to avoid challenging situations and circumstances. As humans, we tend to move towards comfort and away from pain. A person with grit learns to push through the pain, disappointment, and difficulty.

So, what separates those who develop grit from those who don’t?

Remember Chinwé’s story about Dayna? She decided she wasn’t cut out for basketball after being a lifelong athlete.

Here are two important truths presented by Chinwé based on research:

1. “It isn't the event itself but our response to setbacks that help shape our attitudes and next steps.”

2. “Learning from failure is an essential path towards future success and an essential component of resilience and grit.”

No matter whether you call it grit or resilience, studies have shown that it is an emotional muscle that can be strengthened.

Treasure the Journey

Something that teens, as well as adults, fail to see is the value of the process of getting to their goals. Far too often, we tend to focus on success and overlook all of the sleepless nights and the long hours of practice to achieve our dreams. We do not tell the lessons learned in the early mornings or late nights spent toiling away with no reassurance.

Kids and teens hear of the victory without the stories of what it took to get there. This paints an incomplete picture of what it means to work toward your goal and succeed.

Balancing Support with Challenge

When kids are younger, it can be hard to know how much we should allow kids to do things on their own versus offering our support as parents. At first, kids typically need more of a hands-on teacher, and this role of the parent decreases as kids mature. Every person is different, and some kids may require more guidance while others are comfortable with their parents at a safe distance.

When it comes to healing from despair, Chinwé says, “...healing from despair often comes from small but consistent changes in thinking, feeling, and doing. Focusing on these resilience and grit tools will empower young people so they can better navigate difficult life situations while simultaneously growing to be confident in who God designed them to be—an overcomer.”

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[1] Hutcherson, W., & Williams, C. (2021). Seen: Healing Despair and Anxiety in Kids and Teens Through the Power of Connection.