Just Listen

Overflow with Craig Booker

I can remember the time in my childhood when, as elementary students, we would have regular time on the playground with our friends. Inevitably, someone in our friend group or another group would say something quite hurtful. Oftentimes, this was the result of being hurt by the action or inaction of another peer in the group. The response from most kids in that generation would go something like this, “Sticks and stones will break my bones, but words will never hurt me.”

The sticks and stones phrase so proudly held by many kids could not be further from the truth. As kids, teens, and, eventually, adults, we learn just how much words have the power to uplift as well as tear down. When people are hurt, whether by friends, foes, or someone we love, it can easily result in us lashing out at another unsuspecting individual. This occurrence is often portrayed by the popular phrase, “Hurting people hurt people.”

In the book Seen, by Will Hutcherson and Chinwé Williams say that “when we are in distress, our responses, words, and actions may hurt others around us. This makes sense when you look at how the brain is wired.” The specific wiring mentioned here is our internal alert system known as the amygdala.

The Amygdala

The amygdala is the part of our brain that tells us when we might be in danger. When our brain detects danger, it floods the body with a stress hormone called cortisol. This process helps our bodies kick into high gear to steer us out of a dangerous situation.

The authors of Seen say that when a teen is in despair, their amygdala is activated. Likewise, as adults, our amygdala might be activated when experiencing despair. Anytime our alert system is activated, it can be challenging to think clearly.

Will and Chinwé say that this activation of the amygdala creates two challenges.

1. For the person in despair.
2. For the person trying to support them.

Caution

The person in despair will often unintentionally say things that are unkind. This can create a challenge for them and others around them. For anyone around them trying to be supportive, it is important to approach them with empathy. Remember that their words may come from despair, and be mindful not to be triggered by what they say.

Be a Good Listener

When trying to help support someone, it can be challenging to sit and actively listen with empathy.

If you have ever been placed in a room in close proximity to others facing them it can be hard not to try and fill the awkward silence.

In the book, Will describes an exercise where he had a mom and daughter face each other, hold hands, and lock eyes for two minutes. Will describes the first minute as “weird.” The daughter’s shoulders were tense and he describes them as “in a shrugged position.” After one minute, the daughter’s shoulders began to relax. As the daughter began to feel safe, she started to open up.

If this exercise sounds odd, I get it. It illustrates what it can often take to break the cycle of bad listening.

Direct all of your focus on the other person.

Get the other person talking

Avoid trying to fix the situation.

Will recommends:

-Talking less

-Watching your tone

-Make eye contact

Will talks about incorporating eye contact into your daily routine as parents.

Here are Will’s examples:

• When your kid walks into the room, stop what you're doing, look at them, and let them know you are happy to see them.
• Before they walk out the door in the morning, pause, look at them for 30 seconds, and say, "I love you. I believe in you. And no matter what, I am for you!"
• At the dinner table, look into their eyes as they talk about their day.
• When you see them off to bed or tuck them in at night, make eye contact as you say goodnight and offer encouragement.

Some additional recommendations from Will:

• Connect through touch
• Mirror what they say
• Avoid clichés

Connect Through Touch

Appropriate physical touch is one of the most powerful ways to connect with others.

When it comes to appropriate physical touch it is important to pay attention to how the person is responding. If they seem uncomfortable, it is time to adjust your approach.

Mirror What They Say

Will begins this section by talking about a technique intended for couples from the book Getting the Love You Want, by Harville Hendrix. He says that even though this material was meant for couples, the principles still apply when talking with kids or teenagers.

Some examples of this could be:

“What I hear you saying is…”

“That sounds rough; I can understand how you might feel that way.”

When your responses show that you are seeking to understand, it shows the other person you are listening intently.

Avoid Clichés

We all have them and tend to use them in our day. Phrases that we have come to depend on that help us to describe our world. While it is fine to use them in many circumstances, there are also appropriate times to leave them out of the conversation. When it comes to speaking to others about the challenges they are facing, it is a good idea to leave your clichés out of this conversation.

Common Clichés to Avoid

“How are you?”

“You’ll get over this.”

“Everything happens for a reason.”

“Why did this happen?” Or “Why do I feel this way?”

“You’ll get over this in no time.” Or “You’ll feel better soon.”

“You should see what I have to deal with.”

“This is no big deal.”

“Don’t cry.”

There is a reason we use clichés. They fill gaps and help to try and explain what we are going through or feeling. The problem is that they often will cause those hurting to feel unseen. It could make them feel like they are a bother. It also tends to diminish their feelings.

Instead, use words that communicate that you are listening with empathy. It’s okay to experience silence. Sometimes, the kindest thing you can do is to be intentionally present with someone who is hurting. We learned in a previous chapter that one of the most important things we can do is to show up. We combine this with taking time to see them. And we do our best to just listen.

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