Old Tools

Overflow with Craig Booker

Will opens with a story about one of his top students, Tyler.

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Tyler was a seventeen-year-old student who he described as funny, respectful,

and smart. It appeared as if Tyler had it all together. On the inside,

Tyler was struggling with despair.

“He shared with me the struggle he had to get out of bed some mornings. Despite loving the program and the other students, Tyler had moments of self-doubt. In his worst moments, he even had thoughts of ending his life.”

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“How does a kid who seemingly has it all together get so down? mean, he has so much going for him, right?

He comes from a good family. Check.

He wasn't bullied as a kid. Check.

He didn't have any significant trauma from abuse. Check.

So, what was happening?”

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Will was seeing similar things in many of his students. Students seemed to be increasingly disengaged or detached in recent years.

Parents and students approached Will with concerns they had for others.

• "They just don't seem like themselves anymore."
• "They're always down!"
• "She is saying some things that are really concerning me."

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“...more and more students were feeling paralyzed and anxious when facing resistance or obstacles in life. Students were losing their resilience and their motivation.”

Many of Will’s students were self-diagnosing as being depressed, while others were describing panic attacks or anxiety.

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Even worse, others were describing their past attempts at suicide while others detailed their future plans.

As Will did more investigation, he found that this was happening nationwide.

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Statistics

Since 2007 ...

• Suicide rates have increased by 76 percent for ages 15 to 19.

• Suicide rates have nearly doubled in teen girls.

• The highest rate of increase in suicide among all age groups is in kids between 10 and 14 years old.

• Depressive symptoms are up 21 percent in boys, and up 50 percent in girls.

• Suicide attempts among black teens increased by 73 percent between 1991 and 2017, and there is an elevated risk of suicide among African-American boys ages 5 to 11.

• In early 2020, an estimated 1 out of 4 young adults contemplated suicide.

• In March 2020, the Disaster Distress Helpline saw an increase of 891 percent in call volume.

A Time When I Blew It

Will returns to the story about Tyler. He says that he believed in Tyler so

much he thought maybe he just needed a push. So, Will worked with

another program leader to come up with a plan. Together, they executed

the plan, believing they would have a new student in 90 days.

During a church retreat, Tyler experienced a setback. The combination of being

away from family and in a spiritually charged environment caused his

anxiety to increase.

When Tyler tried to share his feelings with a leader, they were dismissed.

Instead of acknowledging his feelings, he was meant with statements like

just trust God and keep praying.

On the second night, feeling uncomfortable and alone, Tyler called his

parents. They drove two hours to pick him up without telling any of the

staff.

Shocked, the leaders said, "Well, we are going to have a hard talk about this!”

The "hard talks" they insisted on backfired. Tyler became resistant, disrespectful, and seemed angry.

A few months into their plan, Tyler blindsided them by telling them he wouldn’t be attending the upcoming retreat.

Will was furious with Tyler. He called him into his office.

When Tyler tried to tell Will how he was feeling, his feelings weren’t

heard. Will was too busy caught up in what he was going to say.

Will lectured Tyler on the commitment he had made to the program. Again, Tyler tried to tell Will his feelings.

Will told Tyler, “I understand you feel that way, but it doesn't matter. You need to get over how you're feeling and come with us."

The next day, Tyler QUIT the program.

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Will explains that he wasn’t able to help Tyler because he was using “Old Tools.”

These methods might still work with some, but they wouldn’t work for most kids.

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The Good News

“Our greatest weapon against despair and suicide is you:

Parents.

Small group leaders.

Youth pastors.

Caring adults.”

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“...there are tools that can help kids and teenagers heal.”

“Our brains are designed to respond in predictable ways when we connect with others on a deep level and when we "feel seen." In fact, research shows that we aren't powerless at all. For instance, research on the neuroscience of attachment shows us that the brain can learn a new attachment pattern because of the process of neuroplasticity. The brain has the ability to rewire and reorganize itself.”

“Another helpful discovery is that a secure attachment with an adult can not only help heal and rewire the brain from a past insecure attachment, but it can also help decrease the risk for despair and suicidal thoughts in adolescents.”

“Whether you are a parent of a preschooler, elementary-aged kid, teenager, or young adult, you can begin habits now that will nurture emotionally healthy development and create resilience against despair when they are older.”

“...there are practical things you can do right now to intervene and begin the process of healing. These are tools that will help you make significant connections that lead to change-tools I wish I had with Tyler.”

“I did many things wrong in my plan to help Tyler, but the greatest was my inability to see him and what he was feeling. He didn't feel seen.”

“Ironically, if I had just connected and resisted the urge to "fix" him, I could have played a part in helping him to heal. Instead, I unknowingly played a part in keeping him right where he was.”

“I’m happy to report that Tyler is doing great today. He went to counseling and is managing his depression...”

“The true key to Tyler's success was his parents. They were deeply engaged. They prayed for him every day, and they instinctively used many of the tools we will share in this book.”

“These strategies are ground-tested and we believe they will empower you to be a part of the solution to the rising despair we are seeing in kids and teenagers. They will help you connect with, give hope to, and lead the next generation towards healing.”

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Discussion

1. How does it feel to know that when we "feel seen," our brains are wired to respond in predictable ways?
2. We learned that the brain has the ability to rewire and reorganize itself. How does this impact how you see anxiety, depression, or despair?

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