Neediness in Friendships: Sally Vardaman

Dear Nina: Conversations About Friendship

Episode #80: "Neediness" has come up in plenty of episodes, but this is the first one dedicated to that loaded word. The episode was inspired by a letter from a listener--author, Sally Vardaman, who found herself reacting to my mom's story in episode #72 about her decision to end a friendship over what she called, "neediness." Sally's letter was so reflective and insightful that I asked her to come on the show.

We covered:

• feeling drained by a friend's needs.
• worrying you're overtaxing friends with your needs.
• eliminating the shame of having needs in the first place. We all have needs! They just rarely cannot be met by one particular friend.

MEET SALLY VARDAMAN

Sally Vardaman is a writer who believes in the power of stories to make us think, question our assumptions, and connect with each other despite our differences. She is the author of Shoot the Arrows, a new book of essays to her three teenage children on why honesty and self-reflection are the keys to a healthy and meaningful life. You can find more about her work at sallyvardaman.com. As well as on Facebook, Instagram, and Goodreads.

The Books Sally has found helpful on the topic of neediness:

Sally wrote, "There are no quick fixes and we need all the education we can get. The great thing about books and learning is we always have the opportunity to understand ourselves better and change."

• Attached by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller, a great assessment on attachment issues with lots of practical suggestions for all attachment types.
• Platonic by Marisa Franco, a look at attachment specifically in friendships (pretty sure I heard about this one through Dear Nina :)
• How to Be Your Own Best Friend by Mildred Newman and Bernard Berkowitz (first published in 1971, thank you Nora Ephron!)
• Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself by Melodie Beattie (first published in 1986)
• Lying by Sam Harris

Let's connect over all things friendship!

• My Substack newsletter about friendship & more
• Dear Nina website with show notes and a guide to pitching yourself as a guest
• Instagram , TikTok, Twitter, Youtube, Threads
• JOIN the Dear Nina Facebook group
• Ask an anonymous question

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Luvut

1. Neediness in Friendships (00:00:00)

2. Navigating Friendship and Meeting Emotional Needs (00:12:57)

3. Navigating Needy Relationships and Setting Boundaries (00:22:00)

4. Social Media and Friendship Conversations (00:28:01)