Household Chores

Life in Relationship

Question: How do we split up “the chores” of a household?

• For marriage, roommates, families, etc.

Dave & Heidi housekeeping love story

• Gottman research, wives find spouse doing housework erotic

Link: https://www.gottman.com/blog/4-typical-solvable-problems-relationships/

1. do what works, not what is expected

• Identifying expectations from other places – culture, family of origin, assumptions
• equality doesn’t mean 50/50, it’s seeing each other as equals
• there is no perfection in chore life: dailyness of life together in a household and the value of working on the daily things together even when they aren’t fun
• name your own expectations and desires: what needs to be done? How often? On certain days? etc.
• avoid extreme chore mentality
• consider the mental energy of appts and schedules and bills, etc, outdoor/indoor
• “I need you to participate more fully in (fill in the blank)”
• building your family culture: we all live here, we all have jobs to get the stuff of life done

2. talk about it, write it down, list it all out (15:00)

• TED method: https://ideas.ted.com/how-to-split-the-chores-with-your-partner-minus-the-drama-and-fighting/
• note what builds resentment
• keep in mind, it’s not a competition
• Tiffany Dufu, Drop the Ball, “we tend to be blind to household jobs that we don’t do.”
• cutting what is unnecessary and outsourcing (payment for something is related to privilege but doesn’t necessarily need to be an area of shame)
• 2018 compilation of studies from Harvard Business School – higher satisfaction in outsourcing discussion: https://www.hbs.edu/ris/Publication%20Files/18-072_b1d8cdda-fbb1-46ae-afd7-6742d2195f25.pdf
• Asking questions:

What can we stop doing?

What do we each like doing?

What do I never want to do?

How can we split it up?

• think about it as a “communication playground”

3. ongoing, constant conversation (29:52)

• marriage contract joke
• make trades
• ask for help in both directions

Short answer: talk about it, talk about it more, write it down, be extremely practical in this area