#394 How To Deal With Being Attacked - Part 1

Anxiety to Confidence - The Personal Development Unplugged Podcast

How To Deal With Being Attacked Part 1 Protecting Yourself from Triggered Reactions

In this episode, we dive into the mechanisms our unconscious mind uses to protect us from feeling hurt or guilty. Often, these protective reactions are triggered and lead to unnecessary conflict. I'll introduce two powerful processes to help you change these triggered reactions and respond more appropriately.

This episode is split into two parts to give you time to practice the first process before moving on to the second. In part one, you’ll learn a method to reflect on past conflicts and discover better ways to respond, helping you build a more effective toolbox for personal development.

In this first part I dive into the what and the why and all things south and end up with one process that really can have a huge impact on resolving this issue. The process is all about training your unconscious mind to hear and see what's really happening and responding in the the most appropriate way and not just straight int Fight mode.

By understanding and honoring the positive intentions of your unconscious mind, you can guide it to choose better ways to protect you, leading to more harmonious relationships and a more comfortable life.

Listen in and start making a difference in how you handle conflicts and protect yourself in a healthier way.

https://personaldevelopmentunplugged.com/protecting-yourself-from-triggered-reactions-part-1

Shine brightly

Paul

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And the transcript WARNING if you're a lover of the written word this may make you frustrated, or angry - you have been warned - is it an 'ism

Paul Clough: It's all about protecting yourself. In simplicity there is genius

Here's your heads up to this longer podcast. It's all about protecting yourself. We don't want to get hurt, huh? We don't want to feel guilty. Our unconscious mind is going to protect us from all things and we get triggered to fight back. And what does it do? We feel hurt. we feel guilty. It's not appropriate. I've got two processes here which will help you change that triggered reaction of defending yourself and protecting yourself at all costs. And it's so much better. Have a dive into this. You'll really enjoy, I'm sure. Okay, have a listen after the next 10 seconds. This is personal development unplugged, with Paul Clough. In simplicity, there is genius. In simplicity there is genius.

This episode is just with one process and it's so, so good

Okay, so as usual, I've been accused of putting too much into one episode and it being overwhelming. And because there are, two processes here, I've decided to split this episode into two. So we've got part one and part two. The second part will include a second process, and then you've got time to practice the first one, see how it works. Part of your, another part of your toolbox. And then in the next episode or the next part two, you'll have another process that you could do as well. You may choose one, you may choose another, or you can use either or both. That'll be real fun. So this episode is just with that one process and it's so, so good. And then I won't keep you hanging because shortly afterwards I'll issue the next episode, part two and we'll go into that second episode. Okay? So really enjoy and make a difference. Make a difference. The difference. That makes a difference.

Cloughie talks about how to deal with being attacked

So here we go. Hey, friend. Another, I don't know how long it'll be. A bit of a muse, a bit of a little honesty thing going here or talking about me a little bit maybe, I don't know. But it's all about how to deal with being attacked. You see it like boxing rings. They say, protect yourself at all times. And I think that's what our unconscious mind does, protects ourselves at, all times. Have you ever had this experience? You're going about your day, oblivious of what is happening around you. You're just getting on with stuff. And then you hear that voice in the background. Did you forget to do so and so? Why do you do that? Oh, look at this. And you think, is that a comment? No, you don't think that at all. You think that's an accusation, that's an attack. Someone's attacking me for stuff. And, I'm gonna hit back with a couple of randoms of my own. Yeah, well, and you and this. And what about. Ow. Have you had that before? When you see things and all of a sudden you snap, you're triggered, you fire. And it is that, not, what's that thing where you have to look, aim, fire. Or is it. Was it a steady aim, fire. Steady aim, fire. But this is, this is fire, fire, fire. Oh, there's no aim, is there? And there's certainly no steady. Already ready. whatever that is, whatever it is, there's none of those other two. It's just firing randomly. First of all, I have to ask a question and I ask this of myself. How's that working for you? Cloughie, and you go, well, I did fight back and I didn't get hurt, huh? Yes, you did, because it wasn't nice, was it? It wasn't nice because things spiral out of control, don't they? You know, you get tone of voice sometimes, okay? That tone of voice is saying something about me, about what I've done, about what I haven't done. Or it's that look. Whoa. Oi. Don't look at me like that. I haven't done anything. Attack back. Attack back. So you always got to remember that line I started with. Remember, defend yourself at, all times. Sometimes it's like that. Hit first, don't wait. And then guess what happens now, have you been here where you. Someone says something. When you look back at it now, pretty innocuous. It's pretty, it's about something very, very mundane. Maybe, you left something on the side or you didn't quite do that, you forgot to do something. It isn't a big deal when you look back now, but at the time, it was an attack. It wasn't a front on you personally. And that argument, because you hit back to protect yourself, to give you that defence, and you carried on hitting back to make sure you never got hit, that argument spiraled to m all parts of the globe, you know? And if you think about. If you took each one of those individually, you'd notice that had nothing to do with it. It wasn't anything to do with that comment in any way, shape or form.

Your unconscious mind has to protect you in all ways, shapes or forms

Now, have you had that situation or is that just me? I hope it's not just me. Well, I do hope it's just me, but I know it isn't. I think I've seen it so many times and I've been in it so many bloody times. This is one of my pet things that I work on. And I know why and I know how. And I. You know, when I say I know why I don't want to. It's not the why that I get up with some limiting belief of, People have always attacked me. I've got to look after myself. I can't do this. I can't do that. Just in case there's a positive intention. That's the why you've got a best friend inside your unconscious mind that has to protect you in all ways, shapes or forms. Doesn't want to get you hurt. Doesn't want you have that feeling of guilt, maybe. And it uses all forms of defenses. But the thing is, as an intention, what a wonderful thing to have your best friend looking. Has got your back, hasn't it? Got your back, front, sides, up and down. Protecting you every moment of the day. And that's so honourable. And I like to honour my best friend. I like to honour your best friend, your unconscious mind for doing what it's doing. Trying its best to look after us, look after you, look after me. But the thing is, that behavior now is no longer appropriate. Because if you think about it, if someone says something, were they really trying to attack you? Really, honestly, truly? Come on. It was a stupid thing to do, Stu. But you try to defend yourself. But the thing is, it. This is so totally inappropriate. I'm, going to tell you how we're going to get out of that. And how you're going to check for that. But you see, what happens is there's a thing called the communication model in NLP. And it's how we communicate. Or how we filter the outside world to our inside world. How we perceive reality as it were. And, make it our reality of a reality out there. Because each of us, as we look at an event that's happening will have a different connotation, a different view, literally a different view of that event going on. Because what happens is we see that event through. And, we filter it through all our. All our senses, our sight, our hearing, our feelings, smell and taste. We also filter it through deletions, distortions and generalizations. In order to make sense of that reality outside. Because there's so much information bombarding us. And we have to filter it out. Because if not, we'd go pop. And there's also our attitudes and our experiences, values and beliefs. And you see, if you have got experiences in the past where you have been hurt, maybe you have been made to feel guilty. No, I'll change that. Where you chose to feel guilty, it's different. No one makes you feel anything. You choose. That's a hard one to accept sometimes because you've heard it before. You made me do that. And when you say very directly now, you chose to feel that way. That hurts sometimes because it's true. And then we fight back against that. But if we've had experiences of the past where we've chosen to feel hurt and we've chosen to feel guilty and things like that, then it's like an anchor. And, our unconscious mind goes, I know how to defend against this. Fight back. And it worked. Maybe a long time ago when you was a ickle lickle person, your unconscious mind, with very little wisdom, very little experience in the world, fought back. Maybe you just said something nasty and the other person just went away. And your unconscious mind goes, ah, that stops me feeling guilty. That stops me, you know, getting hurt. And it does it more and more. And it even looks for sounds. The look, as I said, the sound of a voice might trigger that response. The look of someone's face may trigger that defunct, might trigger that response. And you get defensive straight away before someone's even said anything. That look makes you defensive. Have you had that before? And I think, as we say, thank you to our unconscious mind for doing this. But hey ho, think about this, mister, and misses unconscious mind. It's no longer, it's no longer inapp, it's no longer appropriate. These are inappropriate responses. There are so many better ways. And I believe when we show our unconscious mind that there are better ways, it has to, without shadow of a doubt, 100%. It has to choose a better way. Why wouldn't it? If it's, if it is geared up, to protect you, that's its role. To keep you safe, to protect you and keep you healthy. How can it choose something that's less than the alternative? It can't, can it? But what we have to do is, first of all, honour that intention so we don't just beat ourselves up. I got a lovely story about that. And this morning, I decided I would give myself a good old beating up. In my journal, I'm going to talk about on a five minute quickie. Because it made me. It's like beating myself up and making myself laugh at the same time.

Sometimes we speak harshly to our best friend inside

And I did. I really tore into myself. I think I'll do that on a five minute quickie. And you can see everything. But the thing is that sometimes we even speak to our best friend inside so much more harshly than we would a best friend outside. We'd actually say thank you. Thank you for helping me, thank you for trying to find a better way, but we'll do that. And then I'm going to show you in a moment a couple of processes, how we can just guide our unconscious mind to find better ways.

I'd suggest that you go to one to one therapy

Now, before we go into those processes, what I'd like to say is, if this is really getting on your nerves, if this is something that is happening over and over again, and it is making your relationships really bad, it's making your life feel, hurt and guilty, because that's a conflict, isn't it? That's a massive direct conflict. I'm going to protect you as your unconscious mind from being hurt and guilty. You have one of those stupid bloody arguments that spiral out of control. You get passive aggressive, they get passive aggressive, you both pee off into different directions for a day or two. And in all that time, I protected you from feeling hurt and guilty. And what do you do? You feel hurt and guilty all that time until you go and make up. And sometimes I've seen it in some family situations and that there is no makeup. That's it forever. And, what a waste that is through this. So if it is something that is maybe you feel getting slightly out of control, what I'm going to share with you will help. But I'd also suggest that you go to one to one therapy. Now, there's a lot of adverts on, on the Internet about therapy. I have some real issues with that because I don't know, understand how you do therapy by text. I mean, that is crazy. Have you ever tried to understand anybody on a text? The emotion doesn't come through, does it? No, it's absolutely b's, I think. I believe. I find it difficult to do on the phone because you can't see facial expressions because people can say things. And, you know, if you were looking at them, that's not quite what they meant. They have unconscious communication. Their unconscious mind is saying one thing and their conscious mind is saying something else. And that's where the conflict is. You can't see that over telephone. So I like one to one, you can do it online, like with, to see your therapist and let them to see you. Ideally one to one in the same room so they are with you, so they can see the whole of your body, the whole body language. I don't like body language, but the whole unconscious communication, and they can jump in there and then. Now, if that's the thing, do look for this one I prefer, I would suggest, I'd recommend is find someone who's a master hypnotist. And in that role of a master hypnotist, they also have maybe certainly a practitioner of NLP. But I'd like to see a master practical of NLP. I'd also like to see a master prac or master practitioner of timeline therapy. You put those three together, you have got someone who's got some absolutely awesome skills. And also because I know the way they've been trained, they will look to make this the change in you and you to change in you. they won't do it for you. You will change with their guidance, their help, but you'll do it quickly, you'll do it easily and you'll do it effortlessly. It does not have to be hurtful, it does not have to be painful. You don't have to keep going back to old experiences. You don't. You get your unconscious mind to learn anyway. That's another subject. If you look back to what to expect, I think it's, I don't know, I did it in a five minute quickie or something like that a long time ago. And I think it's called what to expect in a therapist, something like that. Search for that, tell you all about it. And if you go to one to one therapy, you will really hammer at home. and what I'm going to share with you now will also help. Cannot do any harm at m all on that. So there, that's my advice. If that is really peeing you off and you think this is, you know, really creating a relationship that's going to maybe no longer be a relationship and that would be such a shame, get your therapy in. But here's the thing, let's go on to these processes are, ah, you with me for that? Because this will work on all sorts of responses you have, the things you're triggered about. So now what we can do is, well, we have to learn from past events, because if we don't learn from past events, then our unconscious mind carries on doing that same inappropriate response, one of an intention, and we're never going to change that intention because I want that your best friend to keep the intention from you getting hurt, huh? From feeling guilty, from feeling anything negative, only want positive things for you, safety for you comfortable. Feeling comfortable is the wonderful, safest place you could be in my mind. So here's what you could do. You can just reflect on, say there was that silly argument that got out of control. So we can reflect on it. But the way to reflect on it is not to go back into it. Because if you go back into it and see through your own eyes what you saw, then hear what you heard then. So you're seeing the look on the face, you're hearing that, you're hearing the tone of the voice, and you're getting those feelings, and you're hearing those words and you're getting those old feelings again. You're back to where you were again. And you can't learn, you can't read the label from inside the bottle or the jar. You know that. So we're going to dissociate for a little while because that's a lovely filter. Because when we dissociate, we can see things from a dispassionate perspective. It's literally seeing the whole thing without the emotion. And without that emotion, we can then learn and decide of different ways. So you could just imagine a movie in front of you of that memory, and the memory will never be the same, but it doesn't matter because we're going to do something really good. You run through that memory and just let it run through in your mind over there on that movie screen. And you're seeing yourself, by the way, in that movie. So you're watching yourself and the other person, maybe you're on the phone or whatever it is, but you're just, you're seeing a picture, a movie of yourself from over here. You can see yourself over there. That's called dissociation. And you just watch it go through. And your unconscious mind can do this quite quickly. So if it was a, it went on for half an hour, you're not going to watch it for half an hour. You could just get some snippets of it. Because your unconscious mind can relive a memory in seconds. And then what we're going to say to our unconscious mind is, let's just cut out the crap. Sorry about that, but let's just. The fluff. Let's call it the fluff. I said that because sometimes it's emotional, but let's take out all the fluff. The things that people said, the things that you may have said which were totally irrelevant to what was the aim of that first comment. And you take that away and you then replay that movie with just, I call it the facts, the truth, none of the stuff you made up, and you filter through your experiences. Let's just have the truth. They said this, and this is what happened. So maybe you were late and they accused you of oh, you're late. So you don't respect me anymore? And you go, oh, don't you have a go at me? I respect, what about you? The last time you, now you go, okay, let's take the fluff all out of that. What actually happened? I had agreed to be back on a particular time and I didn't. I did turn up late.

Steve: Imagine your unconscious mind looking at different ways of dealing with situations

And what they said was true. That's it. They're the facts. I had agreed to do something and I didn't do what I agreed. And they have just pointed that out to me now. They're the facts. That's what really is the nub of all of this. So how can I learn to do that better? And if you imagine another movie screen beside that one, you say, well, let's play a movie of how I could have reacted differently. And it could be that I see myself going in and someone saying, oh, you're late. You don't respect me. And you go, look, I'm really sorry. I respect you immensely and I have maybe done it wrong. I was actually trying to do something else and I forgot and it's totally my fault and I apologize profusely. And m they might say something else. I don't know. I apologize. I'm really sorry. I'm going to do my best to never let that happen again. That might be way, that might be a way another one could be. They say, you're late, you don't respect me. And you say, I respect you so much that I had to deal with something. And in my head I knew if I didn't deal with it when I come and saw you and be with you, I couldn't give you my full attention. Now I, know I should have let you know and I didn't, and that's my bad. Notice what reaction you would get and you can run through a few of these and you get your unconscious mind and go, you know, I can do this consciously, like I did those two. What would you do? Unconscious mind in a different way. Knowing I've got so many other skills, I've learned so many different things, I have positive experiences. How could I could have just rung earlier and said, I'm really sorry, I'm going to be late. I have an issue. Is that, okay? Explain the issue. Hey, that would work. They go, okay, thank you so much for letting me know. Now I can go do something and I'll be back later. Oh, now I've got three alternatives and, what I like to do is in front of those alternatives I like to imagine me, another me, looking at those screens of a me doing all that stuff. So it's got. So that me in front of me is looking at those three screens, as it were. And I want that me out there to go, what else could I do? As if I was looking into the future and making sure that I've got all different, different ways of, ah, approaching that similar event in the future. And, because it's doing that, my unconscious mind is actually me over there doing that for me. And, when it does that more and more, it actually feels it's actually happening in the real world. It cannot tell the difference between reality, what's happening in the now, and, what's happening in your mind. And so we've done it. And you say to yourself, which one of those would have had a better result? Which one of those would have stopped me feeling and, protected me from hurt? Which one of those would protect me from feeling guilty? Ah, And then you just go, sorry, just say this or something better. And imagine your unconscious mind going through all your experiences, all your skills to work, to, have a repertoire, to have, like a recipe. And if you want, you know, maybe it doesn't work straight away. Maybe you have to take one or two times to do this. Sometimes it works absolutely straight away, but something happens. And so as soon as you can just replay it, you might find halfway through, you're triggered, and, halfway through you go, actually, can we just stop? And you then go into one of those processes, one of those reactions, one of those ways of dealing with that situation. And then, you know, you're learning. You know, you're doing the stuff. So that's a wonderful. That process, by the way, that's like a process of responding to criticism. And that process was created by a wonderful man, a, wonderful man called Steve Andreas. He's no longer in this, this world now, unfortunately, he's gone to the multiverse, universe, heaven, wherever you want to go, whatever you want to think. And I love that process. I love all the work that he did. So if you're interested in NLP, do look for works by Steve Andreas.

Paul Clough: Please do give this process a real go play with it

Okay, so that's where we're going to split this episode. I hope you enjoyed it. Please do give that process a real go play with it. Because when you set your intention and have that childlike quality of play, curiosity, you will make this so good. You'll find out new ways and your unconscious mind will take them on, because that's what your unconscious mind does. It finds when you find better ways, it has to take them on because it knows your comfort is where safety is. And the more comfortable you are in responding to other people's communication, because that's all we're doing. We're using all our skills and enjoying life, dealing with things that come, come and maybe side blind us, if that's the right word, I don't know. But that's what we're going to do. So I'm not going to leave you hanging. As I said, I will issue the next part, part two in the next few days. So keep an eye out for that and we'll just move around an FMq instead. Okay. And so have fun. Let me know if you want to let me know of how it worked or if it was, maybe it was a little bit confusing. I hope it wasn't. But if there was any confusion, please do let me know by email. Feedback@personaldevelopmentunplugged. Let me know. Or maybe there's a scenario that you think, would this work or won't it work? Ask me the question. I'll either adapt it, give you an idea, or maybe there's another process that's even more applicable, more appropriate. So there's my offer to you to come and test me. And, let's see where we can go. So, my friend, have more fun than you can stand. Go fly and I'll see you here, or you'll hear from me in the next few days. Okay. With part two and another super, process. Okay, bye bye now. Warning. You are now leaving the unplugged mind of Paul Clough. It's time to fly on your own. Be brave, my friend. Personal development unplugged.

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